Rediscovering You

Well I have made this an interesting week for myself. 

In fact life has been interesting lately. 

People have been leaving. Many said they realized before they left that those who reached out to say goodbye, stood out.

I had dinner the past two nights, with possibly my two closest friends. Great evenings with both. They are so great to me. It proves you don't need to surround yourself with people to be happy.

Went to a club for the first time two weeks ago. This is how adventurous my life is. 

Decided to move out last Thursday. Also. I'm moving out Sunday. Gave myself about eleven days to pack up my life. To cancel anything I had to my life. 

Have I mentioned I decided in May to apply for a program where I would live in Italy from October to December? No... Interesting.

I'm most worried about taking the train by myself. Not eating by myself in Zurich, or fighting with my Prato roommates. I'm worried about missing my train, or taking the wrong train, or getting totally lost.

In five days I will officially be homeless. Well in Vancouver. It feels fantastic. I am so happy. I don't even care that I have no idea where I will live come January. It doesn't matter. It just matters that I got myself out of this situation. I want a clean break from both of you. 

Tonight at dinner I said, "I know one can never truly have a fresh start, but this feels like as close as I'll ever get."

My friend said, "No, this is your fresh start. I am so excited for you and you have worked so hard. You deserve this."

It felt great to hear that. 

The boyfriend surprised me by showing up twelve hours earlier than I had anticipated. I am head over heels. I know I'm young. We're young. But I cannot imagine not talking to him everyday. No matter what happens, I hope we always get to talk. An amazing weekend.

Today I realized. I get to kiss you Christmas morning. I love Christmas. I love saying next time I'll see you in Milan.

Although it's been a crazy life recently. I'm where I should be. I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. 

I hope you're proud Ma. I miss you. 

No, Honestly...

It is just stupid of me to think that after two years, there should be more to our relationship. I want a next step. You don't know what that means. You want me to come home. I can't move backwards. I can't. I worked too hard for this.

You can't leave.

You make me feel like everything I am doing is pointless in comparison to you. I work part-time, go to school part-time, have a second occasional job, I am planning a study abroad trip, oh and I'm trying to keep out relationship together.

Everyday I ask myself if we are going to be able to figure this out. I know I cannot function without you in my life. But maybe the statements right. Maybe I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

I was so excited to come home. To tell you that I am head over heels for you. That I am willing to make this work, no matter what. That I cannot image not waking up next to you.

Right now I don't even want to talk to you.

I spent the last week going on about how excited I am to see you. To everyone. Three people asked me last week if I thought we would get married.  Now I don't know anything. Because you don't want to talk to me. In fact you said, if you want to talk about this again bring it up, I won't.

Great to see you're head over heels in love with me too.

Nothing hurts more than an I still love you.

Today.

This hurt. I won't forget it.

Where Are We Now

I don't fucking care. Have some respect. I live here. Things are going to be changing. I'm done with not saying anything.
Last night at 10pm, I decided to go to Washington at 8:30 this morning.
Who is this person?
Admitting this isn't it. This isn't where I need to be. To you. Was big. I can't tell anymore if you're the reason, or if what I need is not here.
I'm missing the spark.
I miss talking to girls. Girls are awesome. They have girl problems and like talking about them. I've never had someone to talk to, who will take these things seriously, who knows the situation. It's nice.
I want tequila.
Tonight, I wanted a drink. To stop my brain. To calm my brain. I didn't have one.
I'm not your mother. Grow up and learn to handle your own life.
This is bad. I see it. You should.
Looking forward to revenge. The grandpa's farts seat has it coming.
Everyday you say things that bring tears to my eyes. This sucks. Being away. I've had times where I was unsure. Where I was ready to be done. But I can't imagine not having this. Having you. I don't know how to make today special. There was one time you told me that if we made it two years, you'd be there. Pretty sure I won't be with you tomorrow. But that's how it is.
I just don't know where I'm going.
I think it has part to do with not knowing where I am.
If you asked me how I'm doing. I would say I'm doing just fine.

Even if it sounds crazy...

I miss creativity. Honestly. How can one miss something that is a part of your everyday? You choose what to wear, what to cook, how to place the Christmas decorations, how to get from A to B. It's lacking an expression I need. I require a creative outlet. Survival. I want to sit at a piano. Will my fingers to move as smoothly as they once did. I want to walk downstairs. Stand in front of the mirror. Point my toes and feel the music rush over me. For gods sake! All I want to do is open my mouth and sing. Sing. Nothing is holding me back. Sing. I don't care who hears. Sing. Release. Open. Music. Creativity. I won't let you go.

A Few Weeks

Sometimes I think this is it. That this is all I'll ever have. Sometimes I hope this is all I'll ever have. Somedays are the best days of my life. Sometimes I'm so happy it brings tears.

Than something happens and I wonder if I'm settling for this. If I'll settle for this. If saying no is the right answer. If I should have let it go what feels like forever ago. I wonder how many people are telling me the truth about this.

Is that happiness?

She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time.

So You Sailed Away

Losing touch. With people.

The unfortunate part. I don't really seem to care.

If you want to spend time with me, you would put effort into it.

At least some people remain honest.