Stay Close. Be Close To Me. Boy Don't Be Gone.

Where do you think I disappeared too?

When I went back to bed it was warm on that side, which helped me not start shivering again. I had a dream about that morning though, and then when I opened my eyes I thought that maybe that hadn't happened and that you were still going to be there. Nope.

I love when you tell me stuff like that. I know that is crazy weird and most people would (and to use my own saying here) punch a baby in the face, if they heard that. But I honestly love it. It's strangely empowering.

Button up shirts and plaid pj's.

I really want to hang out with Elaine on Sunday. I feel like we haven't had one of those days in forever! And I'm craving sushi soooooo bad. Seriously, I'm pretty sure it's an addiction. I'm salivating and getting excited goose bumps as we speak.

Did I mention that you don't take a lot of convincing?

And there you go and do something like that again and it makes me follow you anywhere.

I really want to go to a play too. It would be really good. Which I think means I should wake up relatively early.

You should tell me more. I know there's more. I'd love to hear it.

Also I now know Tuesday's outfit. I need to fancy it up somehow though, cause my groups presenting and they have the moves and the words, we just need to get their energy in it, and when we have the space that is available in the theatre the magic is there. When we do it cramped up in the hallway, it loses the excitement.

I find their relationship weird. She's all over that other guy and he doesn't seem to care. I don't know. I guess they are the only relationship I'm close too. The other couples just seem weird. Do other people feel this way? I know that a lot of people notice that we are different, but I think other people think we are just really weird.

That really pisses me off. That people treated you like that today. When you told me that, I kinda wanted to get on a bus and give you the biggest hug ever. That's just ridiculous.

It's on my shelf now and every time I walk into my room, I grin like a lunatic.

"Brain to mouth filter"

What is her deal? First it's as though I have leprosy and now you say Hi and smile all the time. Then you steal my fucking warm up. You're kind of a skank. Saw that look when I had my green tea. You had your chance. I hate saying that. But you did. You all had so fucking many of them and wouldn't use them. So I will take your looks, and your idiocy and how before you would have pretended to talk to me and now you won't even do that. Honestly though... It's so much better now though. I wasn't lying the other day when I said I had all I wanted and all I needed. I'm not going to let you rain on my fucking parade because I'm talented and going places. I didn't want you to read those cards because you don't know that side of me like everyone else does and for you, hearing those things, is bitter sweet.

Can I say how much I truly enjoyed when you told him to back off the protective boyfriend act? It was so fantastic. I loved it.

I have a feeling if things were different, you'd ask me to wait, and I think I would be stupid enough too. This is as bad as I thought. But at least we both have it bad.

Morning mouth,

Jessica

Wish You Had Undressed Me In Your Head

I wrote a really long post about the shit that's going on and Blogger didn't save it and when I posted it it said it didn't work. So that post is gone now. Welcome to today.

In My Birthday Suit

Confession time. I usually put my laundry away after I've had a shower and generally I put all my clothes away before getting dressed. That's right I spend time naked. Isn't that awkward? You're s0 awkarded out right now reading this. Sometimes people call me when we have plans and I'll be putting my laundry away. That's right I talk to you on the phone while I'm naked. Now I love how everyone reading this is cringing. But why? You were born naked. You take showers naked. Sometimes it is just great to be in your natural form. That's all I'm saying. However, its only cool to be naked if you're the only one around. Don't be naked infront of other people. That is awkward.

True Story

My mother tweeted me to tell me that she was proud of me getting into University. Does she realize that really means nothing?

You Are Going To Kill Me If My Heart Skips Another Beat

I love green tea. I love being warm. I love the cool, sweet taste.

I've never been so grateful of everything I have. Life just seems to be almost going too well.

Today started off very well. And quite frankly, I cannot wait to climb back into bed.

It's probably a good thing we had to leave. We would have spent all day like that. It would not have been good.

"I know you wanna stay in bed, but it's light outside. But I'm going to stay right here cause you saved my life once."

There is not a single thing I would have changed about today. And I'm never going to forget that moment.

This is starting to mean more than I ever thought it was going too. It scares me.

"And I think I always knew you would be the greatest."

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Beautifully broken.

Is it too soon to wanna say it to you?

You're in the lead. You know that. I'll follow you. Anywhere.

It's How I Feel About You That Scares Me

It's Not Overrated

Overrated. I described it as that once. It's not. I don't like the leaving part. At all. It takes a lot out of me to allow the leaving to happen. I went and looked for my PostSecret book. It's gone. That means somebody out there has my secret. You're stupid things are all over my room. Well not all over. There's only two. Still. Do not leave your stuff in my room and give me my CD's back and I promise to start reading your silly book. I'm not getting boots. Sorry. It's a no go. It's not me. And just because you think it's a great idea, doesn't mean I do. Also I know sitting on the couch together with your parents is cool at your house, it's not at mine. We appear happy, but that's because we never share anything personal or spend more than 3 hours together. It's just a general rule. There's a lot you don't know about me and there are still a lot of those things that I'm not willing to share. With anybody as a matter of fact.
Today at Chapters some lady told her kid he was going to have a sore bum if he didn't start behaving. It took a lot for me to hold my tongue. It really did. This is something that only a few people will understand why, VERY few. It's one of the things I'd tell you but I'm not sure if you'd understand.
We've all got scars,
Jessica

I Relate To This Song

We all follow what we need
Eating everything that helps us grow out of our seed
Some times we grow some times we shrink
Some times we get to feel so high and then we sink

So she reached the world of possibilities
So unaware of its abilities
And the feeling grew stronger at each and every door
Till poor Alice forgot what she was living for

Alice went on a holiday
To a place so far away
She fell through a hole so dark and grey
And didn't know if she would have to stay
Alice went on a children's holiday

She got lost in her confusion
Not knowing her reality with her illusions
And between all of the mushrooms to the queen of hearts
She'd wished she'd never gotten to the point were this cursed journey starts

Alice went on a holiday
To a place so far away
She fell through a hole so dark and gray
And didn't know if she would have to stay
Alice went on a children's holiday

Is It Too Soon To Say Perfect?

I'm trying to kill my phone battery. Purposely. I'm the strangest person ever. Actually I'm rather interesting. This is something I have come to realize. Just when you think one thing about me I totally change that observation.
I love doing you activities. However, I'm intrigued to find out which Jessica activities you don't like... I'll never know will I? No, probably not.
I love this song. Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?
Let's not go to the top of that hill again. You were on edge the whole time. Was not very relaxing.
Why don't you care? I got accepted into this amazing school for an amazing program that is going to make me amazing. And you don't even know what the school's called. When I won that money and I told you not to tell. Everybody knew. Now that there is even better news, and I want everyone to know, no one knows. I hope Grandma knows. She doesn't call much anymore. It makes me said. I love our favourite Grandma.
I don't know whether to say the trees are less beautiful knowing you aren't here with me or more beautiful knowing you're with the trees.
I have been thinking about Ma a lot recently. I think she would like you. She would think you work too much though. I miss her. I miss calling her and reading her my essay's and her telling me what's wrong with them and how to fix them. Then she'd always get my riled up about politics. Haha. And she would start yelling at me to write letters to parliament. Ma you were fantastic. You taught me everything about how to be a person, and how to treat everybody with dignity and to hold myself with dignity. I could never thank you enough. You took me to all those crazy events, and you always burned things when we cooked. I'll never forget that night the three of us slept in your single bed. That could have been the worst idea ever. Your elbows in my butt! Or sitting in your bed reading for hours. The amount of books you had was absolutely amazing. And we'd eat lucky charms or chocolate kisses in your bed while reading. The next morning there was generally no snacks left. And I'd come into the kitchen and sit on your lap and you'd wrap me up in your blanket and we'd read the paper. I miss that. A lot. More than anyone could ever know. All these books in my room are yours. I'm afraid to read them. That touching them will somehow take away that last touch you laid upon them. Sort of like that tape. I'm afraid to listen to it. Because the last person to put it in that case was you. Actually, I'd love to find that cassette we had of Pa's band. I remember sitting in the living room listening to that song with the both of you, and him explaining that those female voices were hundred's of Ma's singing for him. It was hard to believe there were hundreds just like you. Mom didn't like how much time I spent with you, I think she thought you were brain washing me. It's doubtful. You were just trying to make me perfect. I'm glad I knew you. And I'm glad I still know you. But what I wouldn't give to dance around to your old records and build a fort and paint my nails the most horrendous colours ever and eat chinese doughnuts or sip hot chocolate and ice cream out by the fire in the mornings. Or going camping with you. Or painting with dandelions. Or cleaning the kitchen with Kayla, so that when you came home it was clean. I remember after going camping, all the equipment would just sit in your hallway for weeks, until we went camping again.
I really want to go camping. And after I told you about why I love camping the next morning you were buying a tent.
I'm not sure what I've done to deserve all of the amazing people that are in my life. But I wouldn't trade a single one of them. I love every person that has touched my life, or I theirs. If for one moment you ever doubt yourself, know that I hold every single one of you in the highest esteem. This wouldn't be what it is without you. I wouldn't be who I am without you.

I love you.

Champion

I definately just snuck upstairs at 1:30am to hijack the toaster so that I could toast my poptart. And since I had to do so quietly I did it in my room. Now my room smells like burnt toast. It was worth it.

Thanks for Sharing that Last Night

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking *shit* again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.

It's not a fun feeling

Knowing that I'm going to break your heart.