Pledge

I need to think about how long I will stay silent on March 5th... I'm not sure yet...
I'm quite fedup with Lyndsay calling me a tree hugger and groupie and stuff... it's really starting to piss me off... Especially when she said those things about Aidrianne.. Have I told you people how amazing that girl is... Well she is, just incase I didn't...
And then today I was all sad during singing and Justin was trying to comfort me but thats not really what I had needed... And then he was like are you emo? And I was like yes I'm EMO! and he was like well if I asked you out would you stop being emo? And I was like no... Wait... WHAT?!?
Mhm... And then in the middle of rehearsal he stole my glasses and I followed him out of the gym and he was trying to find a mirror to see how he looked and so we went into this deserted corridor... This was my first mistake... Then after he came out of the bathroom he gave me my glasses back and then he was like here I'll carry you back... And I was like NO! and then he started to try and pick me up and I kept trying to push his off and make my way to the doors 'cause Jim was standing there and Jim would've stopped it I hope... Then he got me off the ground for a few seconds but I was in such an awkward pose he let me down... And everyone seems to think we like each other... Which I'm pretty sure is not the case... ARUGAH!

http://www.myspace.com/lukepickett
Dream Love Cure

Goal in Life: Hobo

*bangs head on whatever is nearby*
This is ridickulous! Who came up with the idea that we should get to choose which school we go to after highschool??? Because I would like to have a word with them... Do they have any freaking clue how hard this is????
Ok so I don't think I'll go to the states anymore... Maybe I freaked out because I realize I have to actually make this decision now and pay for these crazy things...
So I was looking at York in Toronto and it looks pretty nice, so does UNBC however, it doesn't have the 'right' courses for me.... Vic looks really good too however, they don't have a course for musical theater, the only place I found that actually has a class for that is Mount Royal... So I don't want to stay in Calgary my whole life and I need to face the fact that now is time for me to move past this...
And why the hell does one need 3 sciences to go into psychology.... How is knowing about atoms and chemicals going to help me save the world??? ARUGAH!

I thought I'd never care again...

Over at Amy's today and we started talking about the people we used to go to elementary with and we were all very close. And Doyle came up, naturally, and she said that he's got like a fo-hawk and that he smokes and hangs out with the poser crowd. This like freaking blew my mind. Coming from the boy who told me he wanted to be in band and go to Mount Royal for music and the same little boy who told me he'd never do drugs or smoke and that he didn't want to be his dad................
*breathing*
Sure we were 8 years old when we first met but I really cared for him and really thought we would be friends forver, and everyone else thought that too. But things clearly changed... So Amy was like ok I'll show you, because I think she knows I still care about him but doesn't say anything about it. So we went on Facebook and looked at his page... yeah, I know...
So, looking at these pictures of him and what he looks like now I still felt the same way that I did when I'd see him when we were 8... It was totally overwhelming, cause I thought I was over all of that... We were all very mature at my elementary and we all went through a lot that kids our age shouldn't have had to go through. Like I honestly had gotten over it and was doing well...
Then in these pictures he's like sitting with the poser-est girls I've ever met in my life, and like we used to make fun of those girls and then there's pictures of him chugging beer...
But then you keep going and there's these pictures of him jumping on the trampolene where we always hung out, and of the pon in his backyard where my dog decided he'd go swimming these couple of days...hahaha... and then there's the picture of him playing with his little cousin and it reminded me of all the times he would help the young kids in like kindergarden when they were crying when we were in Graade 6 and was so great about it...
Ugh... The amount of time I spent with him.
I think things would definately be totally different for the both of us if we would've gone to the same schools or if we hadn't fought the last 3 months we had to spend...
The things we shared and the moments I can't erase them and apparently my feelings haven't been erased either.

Math Class

ARUGAH! That girl in math class was just stupid! Gawd, and she was all snooty about it too... Anyways then kat was all oh she's a nice person... I really just want to tackle her to the ground somedays...
My little skit thing in Musical Theater went pretty well today, I only forgot my lines twice. And apparently I need to work on not exhaling as much...hahahaha... and my hair was in my face cause I forgot to bring my hair clip....grrr....
Yeah and I was late this morning, and I have to say I look pretty good since my hair straightner wasn't working and that I did my makeup while my mother drove as fast as possible to school...hahahaha... I sounded totally girly right there...bahahahahaha
And then I'm just not going to say anything about Chad, I'm just not going to go there today....

Edmonton

I hated Edmonton... I swear to god I know how to take care of a baby better then the people in my family who actually have a baby... It's disgusting...
I also hated it because my dad kept saying 'negative' things to put it lightly about my sister... Like shut the fuck up! UGH!!!!!
I alomost cried too... Twice... Mhm... Does everyone see why I love Edmonton so much??? First of all we were all sitting eating dinner and my great aunt asks about my dog who passed away... And then.... We were at another get together and I was tlaking to my uncle about all the shows I'm in and things like that, and my mom was there too... And he was like so your not taking vocal lessons yet? And i was like no... And he was like well you should, don't you ever want to be in the lead, it would help you... And my mom was like no, she hasn't asked for that yet... *laughs it off*
Anywho, that was Edmonton...
Being tere, and going there also made me realize how much I want to go to school in California... So tomorrow I'm going to go make an appointment with my guidance councillor... and hopefully talk to her, in hopes that she won't judge me and when I say that I like to do theater she won't say, oh you want to go into theater??? in that tone people always use... UGH!

TWLOHA

So I saw Conor today standing at the bus stop, this totally ruined my day...
Then I got to school and Jason told me I was amazing and that made me feel a bit better...
Then I went to the Invisible Children showing in the theater and there was a poser there who really pissed me off, and I thought a lot about punching her in the face...
Then Adgie was there, and I wish she would stop trying to be 'cool' because I think she's an amazing person!!!
Today I also noticed how few of my friends actually decided to write LOVE on their arms, and it made me really sad, because I won't repeat it all again but refer to last blog...
Then in Spanish I made a huge spectacle about not wanting to make a Valentine's Card and about how much the whole holiday sucked. So I made a card anyways, because she marked them and when I was done I took it back to my desk and wrote in it...hahaha... But it made me feel better because I've noticed how we all don't acknowledge each other enough because we feel 'embarassed' but I think its really important...
By the way Colin's blog made me feel all happy inside and made my day a lot better...
Also I love Isa, she's amazing and what she said to me not to long ago made me really happy, like want to cry happy...
"i think ure one of the only honest, and completely REAL people i know."
I need more of these positive people in my life...

You Say The Most Beautiful Things...

Title = Jimmy Eat World song

So here it is, why do people not care? Well not just people but today I'm talking about one's friends...
If you know me, you know that I love getting invloved with causes and I love being in musicals and being extremely busy all the time, and all these things that I do mean so much to me and make me who I am... But then I have this friend and lets call her Ashlyn...
So Ashlyn has no common sense or manners, and it drives me insane!!! We'll go shopping and after trying things on in a fitting room she'll just leave all the clothes crumpled on the floor and it drives me insane. Like that is so disrespectful to the people who work there, you could at least put it on the hanger, it doesn't need to look nice, but leaving it crumpled on the floor is disgusting...
Anywho today I told her about this event on Feb. 13th and she was like why would you do this? And didn't give a care in the world! Like if she knew some of the things I've gone through personally that relate to this cause I would hope she'd be more accepting of it. But that is highly doubtful.
When things like this happen to me it reminds me of this amazing guy by the name of Rob Dyer, who said that when he was in highschool the people he had hung out with didn't support him and once he found the right people to be around he started an amazing foundation!
I wish I had more friends that supported me, I feel like I could do a lot more then, or I simply wish that the friends that i enjoy supported me more and just gave a crap...
Praying for a scholarship to take me away to a better place where I will be able to be me...

The dream that I remember...

It is not very often that I remember my dreams, and today i actually remember the one I had last night, so I'm going to write it down in hopes that I can read this nonsense 10 years from now...
Ok so for some reason I was at a dance performance... and I was one of the performers and Conor was there... And so far this all makes sense, because I saw him once at one of my dance shows... Anyways, so he came up to me and asked me if there was anything I had to say to him before we both really moved on, which is awkward cause we haven't seen each other for 4 years... And he asked if there was anything I'd ever use to blackmail him... And I said no. And then we hugged, which is even weirder because I don't think we ever hugged... And then he ran away to catch up with this girl and they both held hands and walked away... Then I realized there were these three girls who had been watching and the one looked at me and said he still cares for you... Then I turned away and a swinging bridge magically appeared and I ran across it and I am deathly afraid of even seeing a swinging bridge, but I ran across it and searched like these little run down homes for my friend and I found her and her parents had been divorced... And this friend was Amy... However, her parents are not divorced and the only people who I know in the dream were Amy and Conor...
And its all very weird because I haven't thought about that kid for ages and trust me there's a long story with me and that kid... So i don't know what the whole dream was about but it really took me back... Because I've been trying to forget what happened in my elementary years and am trying to find someway that I became the person I am today and that was my shameful period of life... Maybe I just can't run from these things...

Running from the past is a waste...

So let go, go, go of the past now
Say hello to the light in your eyes

Emo, Scene, Indie or whatever you call people that don't come out of AE ads...

Ok, so I HATE HATE HATE AE, Ambcrombie, Aritzia and any other such fake crap... I hate it all! And the majority of my fellow generation have been brainwashed by this madness...
So, Ok I'm not indie, or scene, or emo or any other specified group you people like to put outsiders in... I like being my own person... I like wearing my jeans and my band t-shirt with my black sweater and my kick ass bright coloured polka-dot shoes, I also like my hair straight and I like to wear eyeliner... I also really enjoy unisgned bands and meeting them because they mean so much to me... And yes I also have gone through a lot of emotional things and I believe in things such as Challenge Day, skate4cancer and to Write Love on Her Arms...
However just because I didn't pop out of a freaking Ambcrombie porno ad, and don't have a flat stomach, or thin legs that could break at moment or no boobs, doesn't mean you can give me little glances like I'm far worse then the gum that gets stuck in the patterns on the bottom of your shoe.
I am a freaking human being, who is happy and enjoys not looking quite emo but also not quite Prep and I am not a poser! If anyone is a poser it is you my stupid imbusils who think that Vibe 98.5 is so cool... Just shut up and don't judge me or make me feel out of place... And don't do it to other people either because when you do it to other people I also want to slap you in the face... So thank you... That is all... Until one of you glares at me again like I'm contagious...

For my friend who wanted a blog...

Ok, so in the past year and a half my grandmother passed away from a brain tumour which I find out about a day before she went into surgery, and after the surgery she wasn't the same as before so my last memories of her are; not being able to even open her eyes to look at me, and having to be helped in and out of bed.
Then my great-ggrandmother passed away because she was in a car accident and they pretty much explained it as though she had shaken baby syndrome...
This year, two days before we left for Christmas Holidays, we had to put my dog down and I miss him every day!!! It's not eve possible to describe the hollow emptiness I feel so often because of what has happened to me...
Also my mother is going to therapy because apparently she's having problems with my Dad and he doesn't want to discuss anything with her...
Then there is my brother who threatens us all and swears at us because, well we don't know why... He'll just come home and have like a total rampage through the house...
Now to my friend, don't feel as though I wrote all that fun stuff because, well because, it feels good to kinda get some of it out...
So now I'm in stagestruck and its amazing, and I'm in Summerstock and I'm meeting the most amazing people ever and I'm in the musical at school and I'm in musical theater and I think that the people who have left their physical trace in my life would be proud that I'm making such progress... I thought not many things would go on with out them but I'm starting that things need to go on becuase of them because that's what they tried to teach me...
Oh and math class sucks... I know absolutely no one so I sit by myself and listen to the popular people whisper to each other and then when the teacher is done teaching I put on my tune-age which makes my days bareable to drown it all out... And then the teacher kept calling on me today to answer questions of the stuff we were learning and I got really confused at this one part and this girl Kat gave this look of pity... And I kinda wanted to punch her... But I will think of the good thing sin life at the moment and all the times of love that I've been able to experience... It's always so good to know that there is always something better out there and then people who feel the need to put you down...