I Just Want To Be Appreciated

You didn't even ask me to Grad. Now I have to go see Prom. Am I the only one who cannot contain their excite for a girly movie? I remember going to see all the new Hilary Duff and Amanda Bynes movies as soon as they came out. Those were good times.

That was stupid of me

I do think those things though. So maybe I should have said them. Maybe I just shouldn't have said them right now. I'm really hoping they did not come across in the wrong way.

It's ridiculous how lonely things get sometimes.

It's ridiculous that I just sat here waiting. Apparently I can only last 15 days. After that I go crazy.

I hate missing. Missing sucks. It makes your stomach hurt. It makes you cry just because. It makes you want to spend more time by yourself. It makes you more irritable around other people.

I do want that though. I want to be told to be ready for 7 o'clock. And not worry about the plans. I want to shave my legs and put on a dress and worry about which shoes look better with which dress. And if I'll be over dressed. And I want to worry about how I think my hair is boring and never does anything. I want to be so worried about it I attempt to curl it and then realize it looks like a mess and try to straighten the curls. And lets be honest, that never works. Then I'd be screwed. I want to worry about which necklace to wear and if a bracelet would be too much and if I have a purse that matches what I'm wearing. And I want to worry about if you'll like what I'm wearing or what I did with my hair. I want to worry about being late because you always show up early. I want to fret over the pimples that never seem to go away and show up at the most inopportune times. I want to feel young and stupid again. Not bogged down with responsibility. I want to be here and be there. But what I want above that is to be here. Because here is amazing and I feel like I could be making more of it but I feel torn right now. Living in two places. Being attached to a place I always wanted to escape from. Everyone is dreading going back and I can't wait. Why? You. That's what this is all about. You. And the fact that I am completely messed up, lost, (whatever other cliche terms you want to use) without you.

I love this song.

I love music.

I miss music.

How can I miss music?

I do.

And no one else seems to understand that connection.

It's me.

It's who I am.

And I want you to be apart of all of this.

There goes my "P" Plan.

Oh Joni...

Ok so I was like kicking butt and being productive and then the past three days I have done nothing.

I hate being in two places. Honestly. I wish I could just be here. But I want to be with you as much as I want to be here. Unfortunately, I could never jeopardize being here. I'm so stoked to be finding a place. To be here. Just to be here.

I had one of those nightmares. Twice. The ones where I call you in the morning. And by that I mean that time you called me at 3 am just to make sure I was alright. Not talking to you is more difficult than I assumed it would be. However, I'll never tell you that because I want you to enjoy every second of what you have. I don't want to say anything and make a dumb fight over nothing right before we finally have time together. The day before the wedding had me worried. Things were weird. The picture has made the missing you worse. Only 5 more days left. Only 6 more essays left. Only one presentation left. Only three final exams left. Only three more years left. Till what? I used to think I knew what. Now I have no idea.

To a knock on the door. Or to you already there.

Those of you reading this and understanding probably think I'm crazy. Truth is I don't tell anyone these thoughts and feelings. We used to tell each other.

Sometimes I dream about sleeping beside you. Which is odd I know. The leg twitches, the body convulsions, the snoring, the talking, the blanket snatcher, falling off the bed, more like being pushed off the bed.

I want to go to The Keg.

I want to go out. I want more but all I want is this.

I need to do more. I need to apply and be out there. There are so many emails I want to respond to but just can't. I tell myself I'm not what they're looking for, that I can't be in charge of that. Why am I suddenly scared of everything I once wanted in life? Why do I smile and then say that I think that's disgusting? Which part of me is lying? To me.

Oh Joni...

Commercial Self Pity

Yesterday I had a really shitty image of myself.

Today I attempted to do yoga to calm myself down. Except the video kept stopping to load. It was stressful.

So I had a shower and got dressed all nice. And then I was excited to go to class and it was cancelled.

I thought I looked really good today, and no one saw me.

Well I mean they did, at dinner. But I had my big jacket on.

I was hoping we'd talk on Skype. I guess not.

I think a lot of things are going to be different this summer.

I think there's a lot of things that need to be talked about.

Does this come as a shock? No. Life stopped being simple a long time ago.