I hate being in two places. Honestly. I wish I could just be here. But I want to be with you as much as I want to be here. Unfortunately, I could never jeopardize being here. I'm so stoked to be finding a place. To be here. Just to be here.
I had one of those nightmares. Twice. The ones where I call you in the morning. And by that I mean that time you called me at 3 am just to make sure I was alright. Not talking to you is more difficult than I assumed it would be. However, I'll never tell you that because I want you to enjoy every second of what you have. I don't want to say anything and make a dumb fight over nothing right before we finally have time together. The day before the wedding had me worried. Things were weird. The picture has made the missing you worse. Only 5 more days left. Only 6 more essays left. Only one presentation left. Only three final exams left. Only three more years left. Till what? I used to think I knew what. Now I have no idea.
To a knock on the door. Or to you already there.
Those of you reading this and understanding probably think I'm crazy. Truth is I don't tell anyone these thoughts and feelings. We used to tell each other.
Sometimes I dream about sleeping beside you. Which is odd I know. The leg twitches, the body convulsions, the snoring, the talking, the blanket snatcher, falling off the bed, more like being pushed off the bed.
I want to go to The Keg.
I want to go out. I want more but all I want is this.
I need to do more. I need to apply and be out there. There are so many emails I want to respond to but just can't. I tell myself I'm not what they're looking for, that I can't be in charge of that. Why am I suddenly scared of everything I once wanted in life? Why do I smile and then say that I think that's disgusting? Which part of me is lying? To me.
Oh Joni...
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