Withdrawal

So here we are. on Pages. I can’t connect to internetz so I’m just going to write here cause my brain is swimming in thoughts and I just really need to put them somewhere. Maybe this will cause me to be a tad mroe truthful for once since I’m not typing on a blogger styled page. Who knows really.

The Olympics were great and seeing Victoria and Vancouver was great. I really want to go back to Victoria and go to the farm. I love COnnie and Tex and Ty. It was just so relaxing there. Kinda like it is here in SNowline. I’m just chilling out. Today was a great day, organized my stuff, read, watched a movie, did the dishes, got ready, it was a good day.

I kinda wanna kill Abum. He’s so retarded. I almost don’t even want to drive with him in the car. But it’ll be day light so maybe I can fake having a nap while he drives. That could work out. I just burned my bagel really badly but ate it anyways. Hahaha. TIme to get back to my book now. I’ll catch you up on that in a second.

Book completed.

Usually with holidays I want to escape. Escape from soemthing. But this time there was nothing to escape from. I feel good with where life is right now. Real good. I’ve been ignoring the people I kind of want to, which sounds bad but its just kinda of like why are we letting this nonexistant friendship continue on? I feel like there is two people I’ve really distanced myself from recently and it kinda doens’nt bother at all. Not one bit.

I ate all the treats for bus ragies.

I like talking to you. It’s just calm. You’re just like wow Jessica that was bad. And I’m like hey you really have a point there. And then recently when people started getting really suspicious, you held strong and I really appreciated that. I guess that’s why you got brownies.

I didn’t really notice hwo distant I’ve been from Andrea recently. But I feel like if I told her anything it would really get out, but talking with her that one day wa nice. She was like well what are you doing? She’s one of those people that doesn’t really care what I choose but supports it anyways.

I really need a lying in bed day. Can we do that on Jessica and Amy bonding day too? I realize I could be having that peace here in Washington. But it’s a different feeling when you’re there. Because there I am having thoughts but I know you’re there.

We were sitting in the hottub tonight and there were four of us and I felt like I was just sitting there by myself. With my thoughts.

I wonder what it will be like to seee you now that I know. Not that I really know. hmmm...

I’m glad people trust me enough to open up to me on their bad days. I’m always here. I truly am. I didn’t really give you any helpful advice but I can promise that we will have a good time on Friday. I’m really looking forward to it. You and I don’t just hang out anymore. One day I hope we stick to our deal. Cause I really want to dance in a laundromat. We work well together. It’s weird how it got like this, but its good. I think it’s why I’ve actually been so up lately. I try to pinpoint how this happened a lot but I just can’t. It’s weird like that. But I guess that is truly what friendship is. Something that just happens you can’t choose for it to happen or not. And I really want to give you a hug. Haha. It sounds cheesy but I really do. On your bad day I really wanted to see you and give you a hug. And then when you’re next day got worse I just wanted to be like ok lets go for tea. But I couldn’t. It feels weird having gone a whole day not talking to you. Last week I saw you everyday. And talked to you not in person everyday. I am also really struggling with the thought about how much my presence has affected you. That might sound egotistical or dramatized. But it’s not. I think you’re starting to see things you were skipping over before and I think its really helping you. My favourite part is how you’re like I don’t want to tell you, then proceed to tell me.

We were in the store the other day and there was a display for soemthing and it was of a red jeep. Is it weird that the first thing I thought of was the card Amy made? Haha. Oh Amy you will always be my first. Also its really weird not being able to check my phone and see a message from you. My phones just lying around so I keep walking past it and pressing a button to see if I have a text message and then I realize I don’t have service.

I can’t believe I actually got in. I was freaking out so bad on the inside. Everyone here didn’t really seem to care and were trying to give me a reality check about moving out. Can I not just get a moment to be excited about the rest of my life? Also telling people I’m going into PR is so much easier than describing what I actually want to do. Haha. Not that I’m really sure what it is that I exactly want to start out doing.

Also I’ve discovered part of the smell is chlorine or hot tub chemicals. Haha. Having the hot tub here makes me want to use ours at home more. It’s relaxing.

Last night I had too much to drink. Well not too much. I had probably half of what everyone else here had but I was so tired that it just made me want to sleep.

I don’t like that your list is me. I don’t think you notice that either. But it is. Maybe you do realize and just don’t want it to be. It wouldn’t work anyways. But right now I really am missing my friend, especially since I know they’re having a rough time right now.

So where am I on the line, am I lover or a waste of time, bud?

Nice use of the word bud, bud.

Is it weird that the only person I really want to tell right now about getting into SFU is grandma? She will be super stoked when I tell her. I hope Dad hasn’t told everyone yet. He probably has. Idiot.

I’m bringing some peanut butter m and m’s home for us to celebrate with. Haha. I am so excited for sushi. We had sushi the other day and it was soooooo yummy! Not as cheap as the one at home though. But just as yummy.

Ugh I’m overheating right now. Which is weird for me.

I really wish I was better with words. I think questions help though. Help you dig deeper and clean out all the cavities.

I wish we did more writing in English. Or that the words in my head sounded as beautiful on paper. That would be nice.

1237.

I’m everything you want, I’m everything you need... I say all the right things at exactly the right time but I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why.

I’ve had that stuck in my head since Friday.

I just spilled my tea. Shit.i spilled it good. hahaha. I hope it doesn’t stain. I’mma go get a wet face cloth. Brb. I think its gonna stain. It was ginger peach... Thoughts?

Swedish fish are friggin awesome.

All it takes is someone who is saying I hear you, I am here. I am here.

Also now that I don’t have internet connection I have no clue what I’m supposed to do for my math homework. Shit.

She says that December will help me remember.

Take me somewhere I’ve never been before.

When they tell you its all for the money.

I was listening to some song you sent me the other day and he talked about staying up till 3 am. It made me a little sad. I really want to find it now... I think it was another Matthew Perryman song. I’m not completely sure though... Oh man this is going to drive me insane. I had it on repeat during our ferry ride. Now I can’t remember at all. Oh bother.

I think its weird that I can barely remember New Years cause it didn’t mean anything to me but I remember that one moment so well.

She moves like sea breeze...fragrance that she leaves hangs in the air,

Jessica

Ps. I think this is it... Endlessly by Green River Ordinance. I’m going to listen intently and I’ll let you know if this is truly it. Maybe i made that part up. That’s also a good possibility. Nope this is it. Haha.

****

I’m about to go join Ina in the hot tub so here are some more general thoughts on life.

1. I wish I got to spend more time with Ina
2. I wish I was more adventurous
3. I wish I didn’t worry about everyone as much as I do
4. I wish I didn’t have pretend friendships anymore
5. I wish I could finally just move on from everything and get my license
6. I wish I gave myself more time just to think and relax, that wouldn’t interfere with my sleeping time.
7. I wish I didn’t have to plan everything exactly, but I feel that I have to do that in order to optimize the short time I have.
8. I wish money didn’t have to matter so much.
9. I wish high school wasn’t as rumor-y as its becoming.
10. I wish people hugged more often. Hugs are awesome.
11. I wish that I could have been there for you during those times, but I tried my hardest with what I had.
12. I wish this was simpler.
13. I wish that math would just go away.
14. I wish that life would always feel this good.
15. I wish that you find your happiness.
16. I wish that I could find the joy again that I once got from singing.
17. I wish we could just drive somewhere right now. Away. Preferably.
18. I wish I could figure out how to use garageband.
19. I wish I went camping and hiking more.
20. I wish that my acceptance stays as is, although getting a scholarship too wouldn’t be so bad.
21. I wish people were more easy going.
22. I wish I was more easy going.
23. I wish the sides of my mouth didn’t hurt from that pineapple.
24. I wish that everything goes smoothly in Vancouver, because I absolutely love it there.
25. I wish that people saw how hard things really are. That I actually don’t just recieve everything magically.
26. I wish you were better, because you’re putting too big of a strain on our family.

And currently that is mostly what I have on the brain.

You don’t know nothing ‘bout hard work. Minimum wage with a baby on the way... How do you walk with your head held high?

Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air,

Jessica