Even if it sounds crazy...

I miss creativity. Honestly. How can one miss something that is a part of your everyday? You choose what to wear, what to cook, how to place the Christmas decorations, how to get from A to B. It's lacking an expression I need. I require a creative outlet. Survival. I want to sit at a piano. Will my fingers to move as smoothly as they once did. I want to walk downstairs. Stand in front of the mirror. Point my toes and feel the music rush over me. For gods sake! All I want to do is open my mouth and sing. Sing. Nothing is holding me back. Sing. I don't care who hears. Sing. Release. Open. Music. Creativity. I won't let you go.

A Few Weeks

Sometimes I think this is it. That this is all I'll ever have. Sometimes I hope this is all I'll ever have. Somedays are the best days of my life. Sometimes I'm so happy it brings tears.

Than something happens and I wonder if I'm settling for this. If I'll settle for this. If saying no is the right answer. If I should have let it go what feels like forever ago. I wonder how many people are telling me the truth about this.

Is that happiness?

She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time.

So You Sailed Away

Losing touch. With people.

The unfortunate part. I don't really seem to care.

If you want to spend time with me, you would put effort into it.

At least some people remain honest.

But I Don't Know When I Will See You Again

And it gets so lonely.

I'm moving back. And I don't know what that means for us. And I wish we could really talk about it. I'm looking for more and I'm scared your not.

I'd been thinking it for awhile and I finally brought it up. It scared you. It scares me too.

That night at the bar we talked about some things. And I can't lie I'd been thinking about them. I still think about them.

The comforting made it worse. It made all the reasons some part of me is pulling away more evident.

I'm not high maintenance. I'm tired of always asking. Sometimes its nice to just be whisked away.

I keep having these dreams. Like every other night. And I wake up just before I'm about to kiss someone else. It's like we're so close and then I push away and say no, that there's someone else. And I am in love with this someone else. However, recently in the dreams, by this I mean once or twice, I haven't pulled away. I don't know what this means. The internet suggests I evaluate my happiness in my current relationship, that maybe I'm jealous of another relationship, that I'm looking for a more intimate relationship with friends, that there is part of my self I still need to explore or that I am completely content in my relationship and nothing is wrong, I'm just expressing my new found passion in my dreams.

Dear Internet,

Feel free to suck it. You have just confused me more.

Someone with the same desires. Ambition.

I'm ready for that big sign universe. So any time you want to send it, I'd be grateful.

I thought you'd been sending me signs to share more. To be more open. That failed big time didn't it? It just sort of made me barricade myself more.

Life itself just wears you out.

If her love is strong enough to make him stay

And I love you, but I leave you

I don't want you, but I need you

You know it's you who calls me back here

And when I close my eyes I see you

No matter where I am

Last Week.

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that a career will never wake up one morning and tell you it doesn't love you anymore." - Lady Gaga

I didn't think it would be like this

I didn't think I would get like this. I have no desire to do anything.

I was worried about tonight but I actually had a good time. Conversation wasn't the most thrilling, and I came in last but I had a lot of fun.

I've applied for 14 different jobs. Really hoping to hear back from one of them.

I don't feel as connected anymore to things I used to. I'm not sure how to get that connection back.

Dinner was odd. I'm just not sure where I fit in with their thoughts. I'm the girl that moved away.

I cannot wait till my courses start. It will give me something to do. It will be weird going to 'school' while being here. I wonder how it will go.

I did really well this semester. No one asked. I showed my mom, she didn't really seem to care. I worked really hard this semester and everyone just seems to think I fooled around.

At first my instinct was to say yes. Then I started to think about it and freaked myself out. Mostly because I have an intense fear of peeing on my shoes, which is why I dislike the thought of backpacking. But it could be fun and I'd like to prove to myself that I can do something like that. It's only 22.8 km. I could do it.

I wish I could drive. That would make things a lot easier for me. And for other people.

Sometimes you do things that embarrass me. Am I allowed to say that? I tend to just find something else to focus on. I guess getting stupid drunk wasn't a great thing to do either. I plan on not doing that again.

I really want to go dancing. I love dancing. And loud music. And getting dressed up.

In Vancouver I felt like I was always underdressed and here I always feel overdressed. It's difficult to compromise.

I'm craving Pho's spring rolls like there is no tomorrow. I just want like two orders to myself.

Also I am not on a diet, I'm just making sure I'm making better choices. So I'd appreciate it if you'd stop bringing it up.

But now I have to go read a stupid chapter of a stupid book because your mother gave it to me.

Anyways. Here we are. Stupidly in love. And getting stupid drunk too often.

I really need something to do during the days. Soon I'm going to go crazy.

Also why does everything cost money.

Tired.

It's okay not to be okay

I feel like that kid in the movies who sits at the front door waiting all day for his dad to take him to the baseball game. We all know his dad is not going to show up. But the kid always has hope. Has faith. Only to be let down.

I Just Want To Be Appreciated

You didn't even ask me to Grad. Now I have to go see Prom. Am I the only one who cannot contain their excite for a girly movie? I remember going to see all the new Hilary Duff and Amanda Bynes movies as soon as they came out. Those were good times.

That was stupid of me

I do think those things though. So maybe I should have said them. Maybe I just shouldn't have said them right now. I'm really hoping they did not come across in the wrong way.

It's ridiculous how lonely things get sometimes.

It's ridiculous that I just sat here waiting. Apparently I can only last 15 days. After that I go crazy.

I hate missing. Missing sucks. It makes your stomach hurt. It makes you cry just because. It makes you want to spend more time by yourself. It makes you more irritable around other people.

I do want that though. I want to be told to be ready for 7 o'clock. And not worry about the plans. I want to shave my legs and put on a dress and worry about which shoes look better with which dress. And if I'll be over dressed. And I want to worry about how I think my hair is boring and never does anything. I want to be so worried about it I attempt to curl it and then realize it looks like a mess and try to straighten the curls. And lets be honest, that never works. Then I'd be screwed. I want to worry about which necklace to wear and if a bracelet would be too much and if I have a purse that matches what I'm wearing. And I want to worry about if you'll like what I'm wearing or what I did with my hair. I want to worry about being late because you always show up early. I want to fret over the pimples that never seem to go away and show up at the most inopportune times. I want to feel young and stupid again. Not bogged down with responsibility. I want to be here and be there. But what I want above that is to be here. Because here is amazing and I feel like I could be making more of it but I feel torn right now. Living in two places. Being attached to a place I always wanted to escape from. Everyone is dreading going back and I can't wait. Why? You. That's what this is all about. You. And the fact that I am completely messed up, lost, (whatever other cliche terms you want to use) without you.

I love this song.

I love music.

I miss music.

How can I miss music?

I do.

And no one else seems to understand that connection.

It's me.

It's who I am.

And I want you to be apart of all of this.

There goes my "P" Plan.

Oh Joni...

Ok so I was like kicking butt and being productive and then the past three days I have done nothing.

I hate being in two places. Honestly. I wish I could just be here. But I want to be with you as much as I want to be here. Unfortunately, I could never jeopardize being here. I'm so stoked to be finding a place. To be here. Just to be here.

I had one of those nightmares. Twice. The ones where I call you in the morning. And by that I mean that time you called me at 3 am just to make sure I was alright. Not talking to you is more difficult than I assumed it would be. However, I'll never tell you that because I want you to enjoy every second of what you have. I don't want to say anything and make a dumb fight over nothing right before we finally have time together. The day before the wedding had me worried. Things were weird. The picture has made the missing you worse. Only 5 more days left. Only 6 more essays left. Only one presentation left. Only three final exams left. Only three more years left. Till what? I used to think I knew what. Now I have no idea.

To a knock on the door. Or to you already there.

Those of you reading this and understanding probably think I'm crazy. Truth is I don't tell anyone these thoughts and feelings. We used to tell each other.

Sometimes I dream about sleeping beside you. Which is odd I know. The leg twitches, the body convulsions, the snoring, the talking, the blanket snatcher, falling off the bed, more like being pushed off the bed.

I want to go to The Keg.

I want to go out. I want more but all I want is this.

I need to do more. I need to apply and be out there. There are so many emails I want to respond to but just can't. I tell myself I'm not what they're looking for, that I can't be in charge of that. Why am I suddenly scared of everything I once wanted in life? Why do I smile and then say that I think that's disgusting? Which part of me is lying? To me.

Oh Joni...

Commercial Self Pity

Yesterday I had a really shitty image of myself.

Today I attempted to do yoga to calm myself down. Except the video kept stopping to load. It was stressful.

So I had a shower and got dressed all nice. And then I was excited to go to class and it was cancelled.

I thought I looked really good today, and no one saw me.

Well I mean they did, at dinner. But I had my big jacket on.

I was hoping we'd talk on Skype. I guess not.

I think a lot of things are going to be different this summer.

I think there's a lot of things that need to be talked about.

Does this come as a shock? No. Life stopped being simple a long time ago.

“I have to live with myself, so I have to be fit for myself to know; I have to sit with the setting sun, and not hate myself for the things I’ve done; I want as the days go by to be able to look the world straight in the eye.”

Feeling Robbed and Lied To

can we clear the air between us, and can we do it soon?
ive been clawing at the mortar, your nails are dirty too
when night falls, i crawl to the window and reach for the pain
i'll fall, but i call you anyway

someday we'll be eating lobster and drinking fine champagnes
i'll sell seashells by your seashore 'til you swim through my veins
he who sails is he who discovers, let's hear anchors aweigh
there's space to claim under these covers, you steer clear of here anyway

[chorus:]
you and me we spark, no i take that back
like a dancer in the dark, my beauty it's black
just match your lips up to mine, steal a kiss or rob me blind

you dont need another player gambling on your charms
dreaming of a victory wrapped up in your coat of arms
i bid more if you're taking score, and i'm all set to pay
but i'll lose cuz you'll choose him anyway

[chorus]

the greatest thing i ever learned is i dont know a thing
the hardest thing i ever earned is a chance in the ring
"simple boys make better boyfriends"; that just isn't true
and time will tick 'til you can see there's no simple in loving you

[chorus]

No it's not okay. It really isn't. I don't understand. And I don't know what to believe. And it sort of sucks that this had to happen right now. But it's been on my mind for awhile. And somedays it feels like this is draining all my dreams out of me but also seems to be creating new ones. Somedays I just get tired of you waiting to prove to me that you're going to be there. Unreliable was a pretty good work to use. But I think you knew that, well you do now probably because you're reading this.

I vow to only ever love Jay Brannan.

What happened to my spark?

I Don't Want to Forget Come Daylight

Us and Everyone Else

Today was weird. I don't know. As awkward as it was. Walking away wasn't a good idea.

I think people are missing a little bit of common sense.

Is it weird that sometimes it feels like everything is planned out and then everyone else is just spinning all over the place?

I'm glad I got to spend some time with Isa though tonight. I enjoyed being able to just talk to another girl like that. If that makes any sense.

I'm really enjoying the new Hedley CD. Being able to hear Jacob Hoggard's voice without tweaks is awesome. Also really stoked for when Beautiful is going to come on.

Really enjoying the photos from New Years. That was a really fun night.

I'm also starting to realize that however awesome this summer was with all of us, it probably won't be like that again. Which is a little sad but it happens.

Hopefully I'll be able to have a day at home during reading break.

Also I have roses. Be jealous.