S4C

I went to West 49 in this ridonkulous weather, but for good intentions... I finally got a Skate 4 Cancer shirt, so watch out cause I'll probably be wearing it every day... But when i was buying it, I felt so good..
Then I came home and my brother got home and he started yelling again and i really hope my parents can find help for him and I wonder all the time about the way he acts and how he treats things that mean so much to me... So after the fighting there's always that really long awkward silence where everyone wants to go their own way but try to stay in the same room and I just had to leave... So I escaped to my room and put my shirt on and I felt 'stronger' I guess, even though it was definately all in my head and I turned on Raine Maida and realized everything I stood for once again and that I need to be strong for myself...
So I searched my computer like every freaking file and I couldn't find a picture of her... So that is my mission late tonight.... I will sneakily search the pictures down stairs of me and her, because I don't have one and it makes me feel worse not being able to see a picture of her but have meer objects that spark her within me... So since I couldn't get this picture I have this for you...

My addiction that gets me through the days...

So, it all started with my sister... I wanted to go to concerts and we have similar tastes in music so we would go together... But she was all hard core mosh pit and I wasn't and now I've become all wanting to be closest to the stage as possible... I have seen about 20 bands play last year and I met about half of them and a few of them more then once...

I love going to concerts and being able to jump around and sing the words with my favourite bands, it is the biggest release in the world. And then you sleep so good afterwards even though you're sore for like a whole week after that...

Then I slowly started staying back after concerts and meeting the bands... They're such cool people and it always gives you a personal story to tell everybody else besides I saw this band play last night... And concerts have now become my addiction it got to a point this year that I was seeing one about every week and a half...

Recently, I attended the Hedley concert and it was amazing to see them play live!!! The put on such a good show and then they made it easier on my by staying afterwards to sign autographs at the merch table... I was able to hug the four people who make my days continue to weeks and continue into months... Then comes the part where before the concert that day my friend was making fun of me about concerts and she was like yeah, she's all hardcore and like stalks the bands afterwards and rapes them... Correction I have never raped anyone... and I said that to her, and then that night the bassist asked me for a kiss... To many people this would have sounded perverted or really creepy, but it made me feel so good inside... Like finally someone noticed me... Even though he was some guy from a band who most likely doesn't remember it and did it for a laugh it really 'helped' me... And I was with my friend Becca and usually when we're together she's the one that gets all the attention from the guys and this time it was me and it just made me feel so powerful and beautiful and confident...

This whole situation brought me to the conclusion that we all worry too much about our appearances and whether or not we'll be lonely forever, because truth is it really doesn't matter, someone out there will always think you're beautiful no matter what...

I think you just need someone to take care of you...

Today I saw the movie 27 Dresses.... And the 'hero'/hot hunk in the movie said, "I think you just need someone to take care of you"... and that simple line just took me over... I feel like there are so many aspects to me that no one will ever stay with me long enough and I find that there's a lot of stuff in the world that you need to deal with yourself...
I've gone through soo much the past little while and I have to say there was no there to comfort me and tell me it was going to be okay and that I could get through it... I've learned that if I need something I need to get there myself...
So my sister is thinking about moving to Prince George... and me and my sister are so close... Like last winter break I spent the whole thing at her house... I just loved being able to live 'on my own' for the short while...
I spend every chance I can with her, and over this winter we went on holidays to California and I had to share bedrooms, hotel rooms, everything everywhere we went... And sometimes your head is like 'what is wrong with you, why are you hanging out with your sister'... But it was honestly the best time I've had in a long time... And usually after a week me and my sister will want to kill each other living in such proximity but this time it seemed as though everyday we got closer.... She's the one who's always there for me and I'm sure as soon as she moves the people at Grey Hound will know me by my first name... She is also the one who taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, and that if something makes me happy nothing should hold me back...
Trying to figure out the change thats going on inside me...

Stagestruck

So I live for Saturdays.... Saturday is what got me through Gr.6 to Gr.8.... On saturday's i go to Stagestruck which is a three hour class of musical theater.... And if only the people there knew how much they really change my life.
Those three hours are the best I live all week! We're all so positive and there really are not any worries while we are there. and my friend there Maddy!!!! Dear gawd do i love that girl!! We both joined around the same time and the others kinda made us out to be outcasts because we were 'different' but now those bastards left and me and maddy rule!!!!
Anywho I sang stranger to the rain today and I think I did really well.... Anywho must go practice I'm Not That Girl now to sing for next week!!!!
By the way, I'm doing better today.

The bastard who potentially ruined my life...

So the bastard who potentially ruined my life is real but I prefer not to share his name.... We will call him Willbur for my sake of not having to refer to him in different ways confusing everyone... So all this shit happened and I kinda believed it and in the moment I think he did too... And then all of a sudden everything got really weird between us and I don't really know why. Now we're barely talking and when we do talk it sounds really forced and I feel like I missed my chance to be with him... I kinda told him I like him and he said I figured, but then he asked me to go to the Lake with him.... And trust me more confusing things have happened such as my friend being the biggest bitch to him and then he tried to be-friend her... Confused as I am??? Good! Unfortunately I have to say that I would honestly do anything to spend time with him. He's influenced everything I do and everywhere I go there are things that remind me of him that give me that fuzzy feeling, sometimes the things make me want to cry while other times I feel like taking a dive off the second floor at our school... And I don't know how to talk about all of this with him and I really want to but I have come to realize that boys are mysterious and try to cause me as much confusion as possible... Part of me wants to tell him all this while the other part is trying to tell me that there is something else out there.... But I'm really doubting the latter... It just seems that he's always been there and will be the only one to understand my craziness but lately it hasn't felt that way....
Anywho going to scrape brain matter off the floor since it like exploded five minutes ago....

Thursday, January 18th, 2008

So... I'm kinda start this all off pretty 'deep' I guess....
I always used to blog about everything and it honestly did make me feel better... So I am here on blogger, blogging... You, the reader, will now totally know every problem I am faced with daily... General problems include:
BOYS (well actually just one, and he makes me want to walk off a cliff) (yes I know its a very common teenage subject but there's so much more to mine)
Death
Friends
Loneliness
and FUN! hahahaha.... F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for uranium bombs! hahahaha.... oh spongebob.... sorry about that...
I think that this is enough considering this will be the first one, but I am going to say that yesterday was a bad day again... and the smeared makeup on my pillow is proof enough...