you can skim it, i wrote this one for my own sanity.
life moves faster than a speeding bullet. i find myself trapped, stuck in a hazy purgatory, not being able to appreciate my surroundings and the blessings that have struck me like lightning because i am so focused on mastering the next move. it’s all about the next move. making it perfect. micromanaging every step, sound, picture, word, note…from the belt i’m wearing, to the guitar i’m playing, to the way i looked at the person at starbucks as i ordered my coffee, and while ordering my coffee, calculating how it will effect my acid reflux and how that will effect my voice for the next 8 hours, to the way i shake the hand of an older man with rough calloused hands, to the way i grab the hands of people in the crowd, to every single lyric i have ever written and sang and how they effect me and how they will affect every listener, to figuring out who i really am other than a guy in a band…micromanaging discovering my own personality and who i’m becoming while growing older in this whirlwind of a traveling circus. constant questions. mostly questions i can’t answer. is this song perfect? am i a good role model? was that show perfect? how can it be better? is the third pick that i throw out tonight going to pass the barricade and leave me enough time to grab another one and make it to the next chord? is this entry too wordy? am i putting myself out there too much? do these sunglasses make me look cocky? every emotion has stacked up from sitting at my desk in high school staring at a sea of numbers and symbols strewn across a chalkboard all the way to staring out into a sea of blurry faces…and here i am, still equally confused. finishing this record and starting this tour has taught me a lot and humbled every bone in my body. who cares if there aren’t sugarfree redbulls in the dressing room? drink a sugared one and get another root canal or chug a water bang my head three times and maybe it’ll wake me up just as good. who cares if we didn’t get a soundcheck? don’t complain. just hit it as hard as you can. every time. who cares if i get a middle seat on a plane, stuck between an overweight man who can’t stop coughing and a older woman who can’t speak english? patience. breathe. this year i want to remove the glue from my shoes and bust out of this dazed mental middle ground. i was numb. now i’m really starting to feel something. i don’t know what it is but it feels good. i’m on my way. meet you there?
“intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.”
-stephen hawking
edit: for those who didn’t skim and don’t speak martinese, i’m not talking about changing my personality. i’m analyzing my mindframe and trying to find what it takes to let myself slow down and take it all in.
I wanted to post this incase it got edited like the last one. Never do that. I did that once. I regret those things. I'm finding that respect for you again.
Love,
I'll See You At The Top
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