I Wish I Could Still Make Art

The day is done, and now we're older
The feeling's gone, so now you'll show her
Where love went wrong, on your shoulder

You're all alone, and you can't take it
You're just too tired to suffocate it
And all along we'll just fake it

But I tried
I tried, goodbye

You try to breathe, you try to save it
But it marks your skin, until they break it
Well could you call when
They're taking all that you left for me

I feel like I haven't been creative in a really long time. But I don't seem to have much inspiration. I have a lot of things to think about, but none of it has turned into inspiration. Maybe one day it will?

My mother keeps texting me to ask if the house is clean. Who does she think I am Ina? I'm pretty sure the house is more clean now then when she left.

I love flossing. My teeth and gums feel really happy right now.

So I'm either a)having less thoughts or b)I've just calmed down and my thoughts are less scattered.

I'm thinking the answer here is b.

Mostly it's that one part that's bothering me. The line I'm pretty sure was crossed right there... Where were you when that happened... I couldn't see you at that point in time... Ok I'm going to stop thinking about that now.

MBF is looking for people to sing tomorrow morning on Breakfast Television. Elaine and I are going to ask tonight about if he still needs people and what time it would be till. School is lame any who.

I hope she doesn't see the photos till I come home tonight. I'd be okay with having a conversation in the car. I think I posted them because I want this conversation to happen so that we can clear things up.

I find it strange that my 'friends' have themed parties. How old are we? 5 or 30?

You thought things were rushed before. I feel rushed now. I don't like this feeling. Is that why my head hurts? Cause it does.

Can we go skating soon?

Jessica

Every Time I Hold It In

Sarah helps me cry. Every single time. I'm always just on the edge and Sarah helps me take that final step. Thanks Sarah.

You were in my dream too. I forget what happened in it though.

Why must you smell? Everything smells. EVERYTHING. I feel like that guy from KPAX where he's like everyone smells!!! I have a feeling I am waking up early tomorrow to do more cleaning... Yipee...

My internet hates me. I figured I’d post the photos. What’s the big deal? We’re friends. Friends post photos of when they hang out. So I’m posting them. Except that one. That one can just stay where I burned it. I’m glad there’s no one online right now to comment on these photos that are taking decades to upload. I’ll plead for the geeks to come this week and fix it.

I’m just so confused. I know that friendship happens when you least expect it and that it is something you cannot go out and find that it finds you. Kinda like in that play today. “Love cannot be held. Love can only be given.” That was such a good play, I’m totally taking you to see it. The play honestly made my heart sink. I don’t remember the last time I felt such an honest heart ache.

Also I’m so screwed. I could bleach this whole house and she’d still smell you. Tomorrow I am going to vacuum and light a lot of candles. Haha. It still smells like burned pancakes too. I’m going to be in so much trouble. I can feel it coming on. But I think I asked for this trouble. I’ve never got in trouble before. I’ve never done anything before that made me think, uhoh this is where my parents are going to lay down the law. I think I see the law coming. I saw it coming in December, when I brought up your name and my dad had that look on his face. Then my mother started to get a bit more snoopy and then she brought up ‘meds’ shall we call them, last week. I tried to brush that conversation off as quickly as I could.

I’m sitting on the chair. Looking at the floor. A million dollars... Hm... Really? I don’t know... It was unexpected. That was a good word to use. I have knots in my stomach looking at the floor and realizing that my parents are coming home tomorrow. I really don’t think they would have a problem with the first 8 hours of the adventure. It’s just the following 15 hours... I don’t even think I’m okay with the following 15 hours.

I enjoy the fact that I’m in none of these photos. Makes me feel more innocent about the whole thing. Then I realize it’s my house in the background.

Apparently going for that walk was a bad idea. What is it with us and bonding in the outdoors. Also we totally camp. Stfu. You know you want to go camping with us, we are actually that entertaining.

This is draining my battery it better hurry up.

Yes ok so a part of me still likes him. You can’t think that that can just go away. Cause it doesn’t. When I see CD I still feel those little girl butterflies. It’s just something that doesn’t go away unfortunately. But we’re on good terms, so I don’t want to ruin things. So I’m just going to keep that small part as silent as I can. We hug like we used to now. We’re growing. Haha. The park was very interesting. We had some very interesting conversations there didn’t we. I think so. Also literal analogies are overrated. I told you guys I’d get onto that thing and off it. No faith.

There they are now posted. Bring on the storm.

I’ll turn my face into the spray, for when the heavens open let the drops fall where they may.

Ok seriously like sitting beside you and leaning on you doesn’t bother me. But I feel like you stepped over the line there. That’s my main thought right now.

I don’t really like thoughts. Because I’m trying not to think about the fact that everyone else has thoughts. I hate everyone else’s thoughts. Also coming over at 11? Er no. That would not help the situation. Yes Kim Possible there is a sitch, you might even need to bring the whole team on for this one, Robo-Wayde included. Why is everyone thinking about this? There’s nothing to think about. I think. I’m done thinking. It’s 3:15 am.

You give until you’ve given up,

Jessica

Going to shove some pillows in my window. Maybe if I go back to bed and wake up again, it'll feel like a really bad dream? Right? Right....

Fuck.

OH GOD WTF

I don't even wanna say anything about it. At all. AT ALL.

Seriously.

Right now I have nothing to say besides OH GOD WTF.

That generally describes how I feel right now.

I'm pretty sure no one saw this one coming.

OH GOD WTF.

Amy Kuney is my New Favourite

Here are the lyrics:
Verse 1:
You try, you try, you strive
You aim to please
But nobody cares, nobody sees
I have a taste for talent wasted
Oh, waste it on me, waste it on me

Chorus:
Bury your shovel by the door
Nail your hammer to the floor
This job is for a gentle hand
You have so much love to give
And I am here to welcome it
As long as youve got time to spend
And I'll be the kind of work
That appreciates your hands

Verse 2:
You're a hero gone to waste
Untouched, unused
(But) I've never been
This beautifully rescued
Medals on your chest, no one salutes
I am in debt; I don't deserve you

***

Verse 2:
Youre homesick for a place youve never been
Ill take you there; yes I will take you there in strangers skin
Oh, the road that leads to morrow limitless and wide
So keep an open mind and let me in

Chorus 2:
Would you miss me today if I met you tomorrow?
If I met you tomorrow? Would you miss me?
Would you know that you need me before I said hello?
Hello? If I met you tomorrow, would you miss me?

Bridge:
Wait for it, Wait for it, Wait for it, youll be glad you did

Verse 3:
I know you kiss the back of your hand like it was my face
You hold your pillow like my waist; just put me in their place

I Worry About You

Not sure why I said that. But I think it needed to be said. But more than that it needed to be heard. I'm still confused why you chose me, maybe I'll get to find that out one day. Right now, that's not really what we need to talk about. At least you have someone now though? Right? Thanks. You said thanks. I believed it. It seemed very real. Yes, everyone hides things from other people. Yes, everyone's fake. Some people are just better at covering things up better than others. It's a learned skill. Takes years of practice. Just because I see behind the mask doesn't mean everyone else does. I merely see past the mask because you allow me too.

Cold.

When you said that, I knew you weren't talking about toes. The feeling happens to everyone, and everyone gets past it in their own way. I just really hope I'm helping. I'm just not going to think about whether or not I am. I'm good with asking questions and you keeping the answer to yourself. That works too.

I hate days like this.

Don't you dare try and back out either. You can cancel self-pity hour. Trust me. Everything will one day be fine. It's just up to you to decide when that day happens.

Jessica

Quotes are Awesome

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. Every tear a woman shed is equivalent of a man's sacrifices in life. The woman came from a man's rib -- not on his feet to be stepped on; not on his head to be superior, but on his side to be equal; under his arms to be protected and near his heart to be loved."
--Unknown

This Just In

I'm done. With everything. Forever.

It's Not A Party Till Colin Takes His Shirt Off

Oh Naked Colin/Babarette.

Actually this isn't what that's about.

We were having sushi. It was good. I felt older again, not like some young and stupid teenager, and you are supposed to be young and stupid when you're young and stupid. It made me sad. But I'm still happiness. Still on that kick. For right now.

How did you not know you crossed the line?

So these are my thoughts if it snows, we get to toboggan. If not, we find other randomness. You know we could. Wasn't last night random enough? No. Not really. Haha. We get more random. And then we can have breakfast at non-breakfast and lava cakes and watch Disney movies, and we can share secret USB sticks and books. These are my thoughts. Half of them will probably come true because we get a little distracted. I like this. This seems right. Doesn't it? I think it does. It seems happy and cosy. And dare I say safe? But not safe in the way you're thinking. In the way that I feel safe with you guys. I just feel at my best. That sounds dumb. Anyways, what I'm saying is that in those moments with you guys I just feel genuine happiness and I forget about everything else. I love it.

MBF started playing Black and White Phonetics and it took me to those thoughts. I got a little distracted from singing and kinda just wanted to cry.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for a referral or if I'll just get it over with. Those decisions come down to the moment. I think?

I'm excited to make a list. I'm going to start that when I get home tomorrow.

You're going to love us,

Jessica

I'd Rather Go Blind Then See You Walk Away From Me

Tonight was crazy. It doesn't even seem like it makes sense. Like all of that happened.

I like the three of us together. I like actually hanging out with people I like. It's refreshing. I mean no one else would shove into a teacup to read The Giving Tree with me. We all picked very fitting books. It was good. I'm glad you two get along. And that once I'm sitting in my lovely bed you both tell me how great tonight was. Ok let me break this down for you...

Where are you?

Floss.

You?

Bulk.

I didn't actually realize he was there too, and then I was like maybe he is, so I turn the corner and am like oh. Hi.

We buy candies.

We wait for Amy.

Amy shows up.

Movie ensues.

This is the part where I wake up.

DON"T TELL ME THAT!

Coffee?

Dinner.

We steal a booth.

We place death wishes on each other.

He pays much to Amy's dislike.

We go to starbucks.

Run into Indie boy

Go read about sailing and kittens, sitting in the middle of the aisle.

Then we write secrets and put them in the postsecret books. That was cool. That's something I'll always remember.

Then we went to the kids section.

We read our books.

COUGH COUGH

Then we get more coffee for some reason.

We get in the vehicle to go to a park to make snow angels.

Get soaking wet.

Get back in the jeep to find swings.

Find swings.

Go for a drive.

Sing Tik Tok.

End up on some random range road.

Then we get to the end and some guy is stuck in his shitty car.

So boy mans up and makes us stay in the car while he helps.

We eventually get out and help much to his distaste.

We get the limo unstuck.

Head home singing to Complicated and Funky Town.

It was a good night. I had a good eight hours. Fixed my Mp3 too. Paid off my debt to the library. Started a book club.

It just felt like a night you're supposed to have when you're young and stupid. Know what I mean?

I like that we go home and yet all still talk to each other. That makes me smile.

Also I think a third party might join us on Friday if that's cool with you? Let me know.

http://www.myspace.com/smalltalk

I think I need this as much as you do.

Every time you sleep you have a smile on your face,

Jessica

But She Ran Away

Why do you come talk to me? Why? You're not talking to anyone else. Just me. Masochist. This friendship isn't going to end well. One of us is going to kill the other. I'm not going to lie. I'm not running your life. That would be a girlfriends job. So no you can't hire me to do that. I need sleep. I have to get up soon and go see your sorry ass.

Things to accomplish tomorrow:

Jog

Get ready

Eat lunch

Catch bus

Library

Future Shop

BUY FLOSS

Jelly beans

Movie

Spring Rolls

Green tea

Soup

Om nom nom.

Was I offered a job today?

Jessica

Looking Up

So I don't get a new phone. Which pisses me off. Stupid telus.

I bought a new shirt, and cardigan. :D

Mom and I had chai lattes today from teaopia. Mmmmm.... And Cookies by George... Mmmm....

I have some interesting prospects. Places to move. Two places. A job. Maybe. In LA. Haha. Oh man.

Filling up USB stick to give to Amy with music.

Tomorrow's going to be fun. Hopefully. Unless we kill each other.

Also Shaun White is the shit. That new trick blows my mind.

Nothings bigger than love,

Jessica

Work vs. Love

basically.

this is weird.

I need sleep. I can't stay up an dtalk to you all the time.

The cure to cure everything worked a bit, Well things are looking up. I can't tell if it was the cure to cure all things, the oregeno, the honey or the yogurt. Meh.

Breakfast with Billy. So fucking stoked. It's going to be a gooder.

I'm tired,

Jessica

I Feel Funny

I took the cure to cure all things. I hope it worked. It tasted narly and my stomach is still not over it. Eng....

What's going on here...

I can't tell what I'm feeling, where I'm going. Oh well. Better make sure the seat belt is on right. No I don't need you to put it on for me.

I don't want to be away from everything, I want to be with everything,

Jessica

On his knees again, he's trying to understand...

Paul.

Partner.

Penthouse.

Puppy.

Perfect.

It's gone.

I can't live here anymore.

Somedays I wish I wasn't the fixer. That someone would try and help me. I know because I'm the same. I don't think that occurred to you.

Oh life, is waiting for you
And it's all fucked up but we'll survive

Everyone best friend, but it's always one sided.

Jessica

I Miss All The Little Things

Never thought they'd mean everything to me.

Oh man.

I have come to realize I screwed up on New Years. That was something I shouldn't have done. I'm such a mess.

I write down everything too.

6,

Jessica

This Was My Song

I used to listen to this song on bad days and just cry. True story broseph.

People always tell me this is part of the plan, that gods got everybody in his hands, but I could only pray that God is listening,

Jessica

Could It Be As Simple As That?

You confuse me.

So I wimped out on calling the doctor today. I should though. Too much discomfort. I don't really notice it till it's not the only thing my brain can focus on. But should I make a yearly check up appointment or just an appointment? Dear readers, please insure that I actually make an appointment tomorrow. Do not let me put this off. Are four questions too many? Haha. I have a feeling I'm going to be sent some place else for three of them though. Oh well. Referrals ftw.

Our chem test is in the morning right? I need to organize my calendar better.

You should have come today. You suck. But I had fun anywho. Lots of fun. Then we just chilled in Kensington afterwards. The House is good times. I'm telling you.

Ugh so much discomfort. I'm going to start watching movie now and maybe I won't think about it.

Fight,

Jessica

Elise Roller

If I could be your number one
I'd bring you coffee in the morning
Or at night
Whenever you need
Something to pick you up
I would hold you
And if you were not twice my size
I'd carry you to great heights
But since I am just a pebble
To your stone
I will simply carry you home

You Ain't A Thing Without Me

I think I'm addicted to Facebook. I think its unhealthy.

Brah wonders why girls aren't all over you. I laughed. Brah is awesome pawesome.

I think I'm actually going to do it. Walk to Edmonton that is. How long do you think that would take? By then Ashley is bound to be a pro. I think that if I'm going to do this, I'm going to need to start working out. That's like 300km at the end of June? Death. It would be an awesome experience though. That would be the best grad trip ever. Well I emailed Ashley ways that I could help out so we'll see what she says.

I've been thinking about our conversation a lot. I don't have much holding me back, holding me here. Once I'm done high school I could just take off. Sure I'd stay in contact with people but there's nothing anchoring me here and I don't think anything ever would be. Maybe that's self-centred but honestly that doesn't bother me. I know what I want to do, and I know what makes me happy and I'm going to pursue it. I'm not going to be dependant on another person. That's just not who I am. I'm a social creature yes but I'm not one of those girls that would base what school their going to attend based on something stupid like a boy. A lot of people have now been asking me what I plan on doing after University, specifically where I plan on living. And honestly right now it seems to depend on the job, that's how I see it. If I get hired into where I have my co-op and I like it there then great, or if something comes up somewhere else packing my bags doesn't seem like a huge deal. I want to live. I want to see as much of this earth as possible. If the opportunity comes up I'm also thinking about doing a travel abroad study. We'll see what happens won't we? I'm going to take everything I can from this world and I'm not going to let anyone hold me back from that. But if there is that person out there with the same interests that wants what I want, I wouldn't mind spending time with them.

New revelation: we seem to have more in common as individuals, but when you take the group into account we are very different people.

And this is the part where you find out who you are
And these are your friends, those who've been there from the start
So to hell with the bad news, dirt on your new shoes
It rained all of May to the month of June
But wherever she may be…

Jessica

I Only Exclusively Date Cute Idiots

NPH is awesome. Also how can I be melting watching How I Met Your Mother?

I'm trying to understand the rest of the world but it doesn't seem to be happening. I need to pick up my shit and move on. Yeah that's it I'm ready to spill it all here. No I haven't moved on and yes I'm still trying to hope that there is hope. But no there is not hope. Trust me I know that. But I don't want to. Yeah ok I'm totally spilling everything. Yes when I see you, I have difficulties focusing, breathing, talking, walking and comprehending. I know no one else gets that and I'm cool with that. Not really. Before I brought anything up it was you talking to me, now to try and talk to you is like pulling teeth. I'm tired of trying to create a friendship that only seems onesided. I think that it scares you that I see more than other people. Whatever. Take a look cause we're not that different bud. I've never seen someone that lit up before. Honestly. There are moments where I can tell when its real or not. And when I was in the moment it all felt genuine, I honestly don't remember the last time I had felt something like that. It was in the way you treated me, and looked at me and how I could tell how hard you were trying. I just felt this instant comfort around you, I could have fallen asleep but I'd rather listen to you sing about what we're doing. I recently have this very vivd image of after we stopped at that really nice house and you stumbled down the drive way and we were laughing and you were making fun of me because I was cautiously moving down the driveway and we were just out in the cold laughing like teenagers should. I'm sorry I made a mess in the car that day, I thought I had grabbed everything. And it doesn't seem to matter that people tell me I'm above you or whatever, because honestly I don't care, I just want to spend time with you. But alas you are an idiot so instead we are both home alone on a Friday. Now when I ask you to hang out it is starting to sound really desperate, but I just want to be your friend first. I'm so tired of my friends and I think that is why you intrigue me, you're somebody new I actually get along with. Ok the other day the smiley face, I fell back asleep grinning like an idiot and have been singing Smile Kid ever since. I want to say something but its always the group and everyone seems to know. Putting life on public display. Tell me about it. It's making me laugh that we both do this. Haha. I need to stop that. Finding common characteristics. Its bad. Because I don't think you care as much as I do, but I think that if you'd give us a chance to be friends (which is apparently what you do) we could have a lot of fun. You don't seem to like your friends and honestly I don't either.

I hate you. I can't hide a thing from you can I. You know me all to well. All my plots. My brilliant masterminding.

When I hang out with you I feel my age. Does that make sense? I think it does. You know I really don't want people to know but I like being real here. I haven't been real here in sometime. I shouldn't have read all that stuff. You should have stopped me. Because it just made me realize how badly I want the same things. I felt nothing on New Years. Mostly because it wasn't you, and it really wasn't what I wanted. It didn't make me feel alive I guess. And that's what I was looking for. Everytime I screw up I hear your voice go DAMNIT JESSICA! And then us just laughing and me having a heart attack about the donut that was sure to in sue. (I'm sorry you people are reading this right now). Yes it only took me a month to screw things up. I'm awesome like that. Dear god, what is it. I don't even get what it is about you. I need to stop worrying about everyone else. We have math together. I'm excited. I'd rather sit with you then her. At least I'll fail math having a good time.

I'm sorry I'm aching Elaine. I'll move on. Eventually.

Seriously though. We are fantastic. Why doesn't anyone actually want to get to know us? Everyone wants to smile and say hi, but no one actually wants to get to know us.

I'm not regretting New Year's. It's just something I shouldn't have done. Whatever.

There's something about how you lean back into the door watching me leave.

Can you still feel the butterflies?

I only feel them until I realize that things are okay. That it's all good.

Can you still hear the last goodnight?

No, but I do indeed remember the sound of you taking off.

Give me any reason to believe
'Cause I swear I'm done here
'Cause I've seen a bigger picture
And I'm looking for some answers

Tell me that it's worth it
'Cause I'm doing all I can to fight it
And I've never been this scared
And my moment's finally here

Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing

It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Promise me some dignity
If I were to stand and die here
'Cause my heart is somewhere else
It's a pain I've never felt

Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing

It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Where do we all find love?
Where do we all find love?

It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed (I'm still breathing)
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own (I'm still breathing)
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

No I'm not torturing myself, I'm just feeling what I feel. There's nothing wrong with that. Dec 20th, if that was about me you should stop torturing yourself, and if it wasn't, you should still say something and stop torturing yourself. There are days where I feel taller than you, and days when I realize that I am shorter. I'm not talking about physical height here.

I should go make Tyler some noodles now.

I just want to crawl up in his smell.

You could crush me, please don't crush me.

Jessica

Cause It's Nights Like These I Wish I'd Said Don't Go

I'm not sure why but every time I'm in a car I imagine when we were in the bus loop. And for a moment there I felt a sense of urgency, like this time we weren't going to stay on the road. But I looked over and suddenly my whole mood changed. I saw your hands spinning around and my fear just washed away. Life's strange like that.

Conservatism and communism were consequences of those that called themselves liberal, those that wanted everybody to live under the same rights and freedoms, and those that will sacrifice the group for themselves and themselves for the group.

Jessica

Advice to Myself, By Louise Erdrich

Leave the dishes.
Let the celery rot in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator
and an earthen scum harden on the kitchen floor.
Leave the black crumbs in the bottom of the toaster.
Throw the cracked bowl out and don’t patch the cup.
Don’t patch anything. Don’t mend. Buy safety pins.
Don’t even sew on a button.
Let the wind have its way, then the earth
that invades as dust and then the dead
foaming up in gray rolls underneath the couch.
Talk to them. Tell them they are welcome.
Don’t keep all the pieces of the puzzles
or the doll’s tiny shoes in pairs, don’t worry
who uses whose toothbrush or if anything
matches, at all.
Except one word to another. Or a thought.
Pursue the authentic-decide first
what is authentic,
then go after it with all your heart.
Your heart, that place
you don’t even think of cleaning out.
That closet stuffed with savage mementos.
Don’t sort the paper clips from screws from saved baby teeth
or worry if we’re all eating cereal for dinner
again. Don’t answer the telephone, ever,
or weep over anything at all that breaks.
Pink molds will grow within those sealed cartons
in the refrigerator. Accept new forms of life
and talk to the dead
who drift in though the screened windows, who collect
patiently on the tops of food jars and books.
Recycle the mail, don’t read it, don’t read anything
except what destroys
the insulation between yourself and your experience
or what pulls down or what strikes at or what shatters
this ruse you call necessity.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

—	Louise Erdrich The Painted Drum: A Novel

General Thoughts on the Universe

Grow up. Actually. Please. Save us all the trouble. And grow a pair.

MBF rehearsal is balling. GUYS GUYS GUYS THIS GIRL HAS SUSHI ON HER SHOES!!!!! *continues to name each type* Who knew it was possible to love this guy anymore?

I feel like I've been cheap on the blogging lately. I don't feel like I have much to say. I think about the same shit still.

Yesterday was a good day. I bought a sexy dress, beat Joel and Sarah at a card game, Joel gave it to me though. Then I had sushi with Elaine and it was the best fucking sushi ever. Then foam boy was at the house. He smiled at me. Oh foam boy.... Then rehearsal. Then we sang Try on the train and platform. I love that song.

I also love this song.

The girl you wish you had,

Jessica

Too Much

Courage Wolf is the Shiznit

Reasons I Love Elaine

Had A Bad Day Don't Talk To Me

I'm not really sure what's up with me lately but I just want to cry at everything. I'm not sure why. I just want to cry. All over the place all the time.

I had a bad day. The only thing I wanted was a hug. But it never happened, because we awkward hug.

I smell good, my hair is soft, I'm comfortable and I'm great to cuddle with. What more do you want?!?!? Sorry I don't want to be a housewife. If that is honestly what you're looking for right now, then do not park in front of my window. I do not appreciate it. It is my window.

I looked like an indie kids wet dream today. It made me laugh hard.

It's me. I'm the freak. But thanks for loving me cause you're doing it perfectly.

I realized that I stepped on the gas here but I was tired of being treated like that. I'm always the passenger, not the navigator. And the fact that you were treating me as the passenger was pissing me off because I just really wanted to be the navigator. And I think at moments I was.

It scares me that that isn't my vision. I mean doesn't everybody at least once think about that? When I think about it I kind of just want to vomit. It makes me feel stuck, and I don't ever want to be that way.

Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close.

Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't.

Is it weird that I feel more attachment towards the other two and not Frenchie, cause they took the time. They wanted to talk to me. They were sweet. Shit I'm just like Nathan. I just want someone to hold on to. I should no longer be allowed to hang out with boys who like feeling talks.

You're a rollercoaster baby I swear. I'm a rollercoaster to. it was nice to meet you.

Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't.

Jessica

I Hate Your Soul

MBF you are the only happy part of my day. Thank you for existing. I'm so flustered right now. haha you're so cute.

My Ear Eats My Soul

That song was playing. What was I thinking/doing? Even though I was being dumb all I can think about is you. Fuck I hate you. Please scroll down to the alphabet of hate to know the exact reasons. I'm getting goosebumps, shutting this song off now.

This song makes me feel like everything is new again.
It didn't mean anything. That's why I feel bad about it. I don't regret it. I don't think you meant anything by it either. I was trying to ignore what Stu said. But what he said came true. I blame myself for it too. I did it. Everyone thought I went in there to sleep, I'm pretty sure I knew different. Nothing actually happened though. So don't worry.
Don't tell me your pretty lies.
Men are assholes I'm sorry. I wish I had as rad friends as yours.
I did something dumb. That basically sums it up. He moved nine and you made it ten. Basically.
"YOU CONTINUED AFTER WE CAME IN THE FIRST TIME????"
So funny. I've never laughed so hard. Omg ok first person to scream like a bitch is out. Jessica you didn't scream like a bitch. You are awesome. Hahahahaha. Oh god. So funny. Next game we played. Sit on the edge of the pool table, and base your scream on how much it hurts. Hahaha. We're sooo messed up guys. I love us. I want to uh give you something? Oh? It's a number 5 ball. Thank you I've always wanted one of these. And I also got you a number 12 ball, I hope you like it. Hahaha.
Squished grapes.... Oh man... Can't wait till they find those...
I'm trying to figure out how it was so squishy when we were trying to sleep on the couch at nine but earlier there was tonnes of room. Hahahaha...
I don't understand how I can seduce a whole room of boys but not you. Fuck you. I hate you so much. I also hate you cause Elaine walks in and was like RED JEEPS TO YOU! THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO YOU! RED JEEPS! RED JEEPS! Then I jumped off a cliff.
Anywho this is going no where and now dear readers you are concerned. But do not be concerned because my horoscope for 2010 says you love to be touched and love to touch. Apparently I also like good wine, good sex and orderliness.
Tonight is going to be awkward. I want sleep. But I should go get ready... I'm going to go sleep more... Maybe not.
I'm dumb.
Can I have a kiss?
Jessica