Untitled

You're Special

Drunk words are sober thoughts right?

Marina came up to me after the wedding and grabbed my hands and gave me this huge speech about how I'm talented and that the talents I have make me a very special person and I have to make sure I use them and don't let them go to waste. I almost cried then, but I wasn't drinking enough for that.

Cory made Kelly's dress fall down. Haha. Weirdest line dance I've ever done.

Let me see your best moves. Haha.

This is my next grand daughter that will be getting married.

That was interesting.

I keep forgetting. Not good.

I enjoy that I no longer have split ends.

I should have left yesterday when I wanted too. Just sort of wasted my time and I still have a few things to accomplish. Guess I could've woken up earlier today and got some things done. I still could go out and get them done.

I can't believe today's the day I eat a Big Mac. Do you think I should get fries too? Or just go with the burger. Oh man this is going to gross. Haha. But hey, it's on the list.

I hope it doesn't rain tonight cause I want to go back to that place. That was a good night, wasn't it?

So last night when I was getting ready for bed. I remembered this. It's a crappy video, but I think it gets the point across.

Now I just really want to watch that movie.

But before I do something with my day, I leave you with this.

I'm not afraid to show you who I am
And I am not ashamed of my life
Though I've walked alone down this cold and soulless road
I've always felt your heat in my bones

With every step I rise and fall
With everything to gain I end up losing it all
When the darkness gets in
I scream out and your light sets me free

I'm not afraid of the past no more
I'm not afraid and I'm bad for good
I used to dance to the devil's beat
If I could bust into hell I would

I'm not afraid to shed all my skin
I'm not afraid of the faults you see
I'm tearing down these walls right now
They're comin' down 'cause I believe

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

I'm not afraid when they kick me down
I'm not afraid when I start to bleed
I'm not afraid if I live or die
I'm not afraid 'cause I believe

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

And I wish that I could give you something in return
For the precious time you wasted on the tears I've never earned
For reaching out to help me 'cross the bridges that I burned

And in the end you'll finally see
That, baby, I've done everything I possibly can
I do it again 'cause know you're everything that I need

I'm not afraid of the the truth no more
I'm not afraid of the lies I hid
I'm not afraid of the past of my sins
'Cause I paid for the wrongs I did

I'm not afraid of the things you know
I'm just a book for the world to read
My final words on the final page
Will be amends 'cause I believe

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

Your heart is kind, mine's painted black
The way you forgive me and just take me back
Your love is blind, blind as bat

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

Your heart is kind, mine's painted black
The way you forgive me and just take me back
Your love is blind, blind as bat...

Love,

Jessica

I Love Meatloaf

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)

I just love you.

I don't know why. I just do. When are you coming home?

So Toy STory 3 made me bawl. I even came home and turned on music and tried to clean to stop myself from crying. Usually when the cleaning kicks in, I don't cry. But I couldn't stop. And then Cristina came into my room and brought Kira. Which made me wanna cry more. The four of us went to the movie and sometimes it also makes me wanna break down that we all treat Tyler like that, but I don't know how to get close to him. There are these very brief moments sometimes where it feels like him and I actually have a decent sibling relationship. I hope he finds what he needs too.

I didn't cry on the last day of school, but that movie made everything come crashing down.

scare - panic: sudden mass fear and anxiety over anticipated events

I try so hard to be strong honestly. And I try to make it look like I'm going to be okay. But I'm not. I had a melt down, you could call it, about how there's now less than two weeks left. Honestly, people think I'm level headed about this but I'm so far gone. The other day it took a lot of effort to hide a smile but I know that we both need to go our separate ways. And to be honest once more, those things you said to me last week, no one has ever said and you make me feel all those things and I'm scared that without you I won't be able to ever feel those things again. When you come over on Tuesday, I need you to move the treadmill. Cause I really wanna run. And I can't cause I can't move it. See, when you leave who's going to move stuff around for me? Let's not lie that's not the biggest reason I'm not going to get out of bed for a whole day. I'm debating about what we should do that last day. However, sometime next week we're having date night. I already know what we're doing.

Don't cry, it'll get better...

Scars Are Beautiful - Paul Brandt

Jessica

Dear Body,

You really can't even attempt to hide things at all can you?

You know it's bad when you can't feel your legs anymore.

And yes I did just turn around and slide down onto the floor. I needed a moment.

Jessica

And You Watched Me Drown

I wonder if that job offer still stands....

You Know You Want To Help Me Kill A Skank

I'm realizing things you're not going to like. I miss Repo and cheesecake and brownies and awkward Don Juan plays. I miss what I used to have.

It's a dirty night tonight
I'm just watching the world go by
But nothing ever happens or works out right
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

I've got bad, bad news
I've gone and one what I always do
I've fallen in and out of love with you before you even had a clue

Don't tell me you can't live without me
You still don't know a thing about me
And how the urgency of our demise was just a matter of time
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

It's a dirty night tonight
I'm just watching the cars go by
From this phone booth when I just gotta make the call
And say goodbye
And say goodbye
I just called to say

Don't tell me you can't live without me
You still don't know a thing about me
And how the urgency of our demise was just a matter of time
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

You know I'm leaving and hold on while you can
The tension runs as deep as this city spans
You say you won't forget but I will fade so fast
Write the whole world down it still won't last

Don't tell me you can't live without me
You still don't know a thing about me
And how the urgency of our demise was just a matter of time
Under these city lights
Under these city lights
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

When I Thought I Was Strong

as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground

you're keeping me down.

That's a good song. What a difference 48 hours makes. Two sets. Very different.

Cristina is coming to town. I can't wait. And then in October we get to hang out with JJ. It's going to be awesome.

I really need space. I'm feeling stuck. I need something new. I'm not pushing myself as much anymore. I sort of noticed that when we were performing today. It was just sort of like where am I going?

I think I will take theory. Brush up on scales and harmonics. Could be good.

I really want to spew all over the place right now, but I feel very restricted at the current moment. Like I said, trapped in this stupid box. *kicks box*

I think I'm going to go to New Black Saturday night. It will be fun. I just feel so... right. Being there. It's where I should be. Even if I'm not necessarily behind the sound board. I hear we got a new sound board. That's kind of exciting.

I'm frustrated on all sorts of levels.

I'm going to bring a memory journal tomorrow. Stealing ideas. Again. I know.

You know, there are some people that get on your nerves a lot and that you can't handle for very long periods, but they always seem to be there when you need somebody.

Folk Fest schedule soon.

I'm stressing. It's not good. But soon I can yell at truck drivers and throw pylons and talk to my manager about life. I love her. And bring donuts and coffee in the morning and accept donuts and coffee.

I haven't decided if I'm going to go to BRoken City or not. I really want to, but I don't have the time. Like I said. I used to make space for everything and now I just cut. It's stupid. I want to do everything again. I want to push myself like I used to. I used to work and be in two shows at the same time and go to school and volunteer. What happened to that girl? I miss her. And she had better marks.

I'm confused, frustrated and lost but really excited for next year. Course selections and orientation registrations and what to pack lists have got me really excited.

Keeping me down,

Jessica

Nicest Thing - Kate Nash

Thinking. Not good.

Woah There Nelly!

"And you'll see..."

Oh MBF, this music video is beautiful. Mostly because I love this song...

I think it's helping me see. I don't know what I see. Things have been a little foggy lately. You think you're doing the right thing, but you're never really sure. I thought it was right, but maybe what I think is right is wrong or what I thought was right is wrong. Yes, the two are different.

I want to dress different. I want to be someone different. Style wise, I feel stuck. I need less, I just woke up clothes and more industry clothes. I used to separate my clothes; street clothes, home clothes and pjs. I just want to throw everything out and shave my hair off and start all over. Is that ok? Can that be ok? I don't know where this is coming from but it's spewing everywhere. Washing me away into the blue.

Random conversation time. I love that you just wanted to talk to me. Everyone thinks your this huge jerk but we get a long. I don't get it. I was thinking about New Year's and how we were just lying there talking about everything. Because everything we thought was the same. I've never had that. I'd say it was weird, but it was actually really nice.

I just want to walk out of the station and open my umbrella and walk down the street with everybody. Is that alright? Can that be allowed? I'm not sure. I'm conflicted needless to say. Left or right? Here or there? Where is here? Where is there? Going with what I hopes going to make me happy or going with what is making me happy? Yes, those are two different things. I ask a lot of questions for a girl who everyone thinks has the answer.

Confused yet?

Me too.

Jessica

Please Be My Friend

"My pit fat is just weird. I started losing one arm pit's fat from carrying my portfolio around at school (it's that heavy) and now...One side is almost completely gone, while the other still has a little sag.

-67 pounds and what do I have to show for it? Lopsided pit fat. :/"

I love you and your lopsided pit fat. Let's be friends.

Jessica