Where I forget to breathe. Because I know that once I do it'll all come back. It sucks. It sucks. A lot. Seeing you with her. Her not even noticing. You not even noticing. I feel so invisible all of a sudden. What gives you the right to call me a bitch? Like just because I'm not staying quiet all of a sudden. Because I have an opinion. Gives you no right. You have no clue the shit I've been through. So shut up. And then I think maybe it'll get better. But then we hug. And I just smell of you. And I remember everything. And I feel like puking. I'm not going to feel you up. Nay. Nor would I uncross my legs for you. Nay. I want to tell you. But then I don't. I see you with her. I wonder if either of you get it. Don't touch my fucking hair. Don't teach my how to hug. Don't ask me to go anywhere with you. Don't look at me from across the room. Just don't. Just step away. But then I don't want you to either. I think about it. I always end up realizing it though. How it wouldn't work. How we're just not. Whatever. I want to tell you. But the opportunity never presents itself. A coincidence. Or not.
I reached out tonight. At tribute. No one noticed. People don't notice much. I don't understand why I'm still there. Maybe it's just my state. I'm trying to hang onto something familiar. Yet I just can't grasp it. Everything's slipping away. It burns as it slides down your throat. I think I should be able to exempt it all. That night at least. That's what I want to forget. If I hadn't heard that one thing. That simple sentence come from your lips. This all might be different. Part of me wishes it was. I just want this week to end. It's crazy. It needs to be over. I need to wash it all off. I need to walk away from it all. I need to get in a car and drive. I need to stop listening to people. Stop listening because they don't listen back. I feel it coming on now. At night the smiles disappear. The demons come out to play. Maybe its not the demons. Maybe its truly who we really are. My ears and head have started pounding. I want to run away. Before it can all catch up. I'm ready to skip town. The heat increases. Maybe I'll sleep tonight. It's a guessing game really. Kind of like you. Will you be my friend today or hers. Fuck you. I thought that moment would make this all better. Maybe it just brought the demons to the light. Demons don't like light. I'm trying to grasp at it. Bring myself back up. You're gone now. There's not much to confide in. Come back. I'm getting it to remember you. I'm ahead of the crowd. I need new pants. I need to wash it away. I don't want to be left with you with it all. It can't be that way.
It's taken me an hour to right this. I'll sit here a bit longer wondering if it should be posted or not.
Maybe I'll write about that other thing. If I'm being honest. Why stop now?
Everytime I look at that spot. I see you. Remember how it felt to see you. I miss you. I miss that time we spent together. As soon as I saw you the memories have been rushing back. All week. It sucks. We were so close. I miss you. I hope you're doing alright. Or do you have nights like these. Do you hide away from everyone else. Why must I think so much. I'm pretty sure no one else does.
Re-read that song I wrote. Started another. I'd like to post it but am concerned. That if I go find it. I might fall. That could be dangerous.
You worry. It's cute. Huh.
Now I'm being irrational. That's interesting. Everyone hates icecream don't they? I used to like garbage cans. Now I find myself kicking them. What a strange feeling this all is.
Maybe I'll sleep through tomorrow. Maybe then. It'll be ok. Not that this has anything to do with tomorrow.
Everyday I wake up. I wake up at 9 am. And everything hurts. I try to move to a better position. But it all hurts. Trampoline.
Then you came back. You came back to the real world. You want to be close. But I don't think its a joke anymore. My head hurts. Skate board.
It all just keeps coming back. Gummy frogs.
I'm going to look at this tomorrow when I wake up and be like what the hell. It'll be good. I love gay kids. They're always so attractive. I hate politics. They get in the way of success. I used to love. I used to have genuine happiness. I used to think I had the world. Guess I wasn't thinking right.
Guess I'll stop now. You're all already concerned enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ej09ePb5MiM&feature=related
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