I told her I didn't want to know. But I find myself thinking I do. I think it's low. But that's ok. I just kind of wish it was over. And that it didn't cross my thoughts. About whether what I say or do will be over analyzed and eventually used against me in court. Much like Chris Brown. Not that I literally Chris Brown'd someone.
Wait for something better. No one behind you, watching your shadows.
I still don't want to stay here for school. I'd rather have a Communications BA instead of a random music degree. Although I'd probably learn more specifics with just the degree.
I'm making Shoy a recipe book for her birthday. We're all heading over to her house so that she can make us dinner on her birthday. What an ironic statement. But Shoy is in need of a lot of love lately and I really feel like I haven't been there for her. I'm really truly sorry about that. She is an amazing girl! I'll bring my new camera tomorrow so that I can take more attractive photos of us and Nahid's bum. But what should I wear... Cause I know you lady's like to look classy.
Talking with Billy. :) About how suits have ruined music for the past 30+ years.
Kind of like that talk we had about Bob Rock. Many people don't know how he has been ruining Canadian music for so many years and some American music to. Grr...
What's one thing you couldn't live without? Girls.
Oh MM.
Tonight is different.
I didn't mean anything by it. Sometimes a moment like that is needed by two people. It's nice but it never truly means anything. Does it? That is something I have learned thanks to the male population. It never meant anything. Unless it meant a Merry Christmas xoxo. But this time it didn't. I would have done it with anyone. You weren't special.
It's been a long year since we last spoke. How's your halo?
Does he know your name? No. That's creepy.
I never thought about it like that before.
Huh.
Anarchy from within!!!!!
We will fight them Billy. And we will win!
I need to find out my complete schedule for Folk Fest. I need to see MBF as many times as possible.
I can't see "Boobs" - A Tale of Two Titties, or Rocky Horror or The Vagina Monologues.
That is so lame. I hate Fringe.
Billy's gonna ask for me. Love her. <3 She think's I'm cute. In a total not creepy way.
Ever lied to continue making yourself look the hero? Join the club. I've lied to save my ass a lot recently. And I've come to think why? I mean it's not like I wanted anything to be saved.
I was trying to forget about that night. But I guess being friends with all of them and going to the show will only remind me of it. And seeing you. What will that be like? I'm kind of scared. But part of me really wants to see you. The part that wants you to realize what an idiot you were. I wouldn't have minded getting sick at all. I think you just wanted to save me or have me save you. I don't really think you intended on anything. But then again maybe you did. Oh no I just had one of those horrible flashbacks. The elevator, the standing position, the couch, the sunrise. I thought I was done with those. Like we mentioned before the spectrum and how far I have gone across it in the past year is crazy.
Yesterday I was so done. So tired. But you walked over. You didn't have to. But you did. And you looked back. More than once. When you came to talk to him, you looked at me. You smiled at the laugh that insued. You say you don't know happiness but I'm pretty sure you do.
I never saw you again after our dump on the windshield day. I will forever call it that. Best hour of overtime ever. Remember about punching in the face? You're thinking about windshields aren't you? I don't think that she liked that we had inside jokes.
I don't think they liked that I got along with you three so well. You made me wish I was working those messed up hours with you guys.
Look at that setting sun.
The blue eyes. Seems to be a common theme. Why? I'm not really sure.
I'm too full to worry about you. I really am. You just seem to have pushed me out. But then that day you asked I said no. I always seem to say no at all the wrong times.
Drinking. You had another hate on boys night with drinking. It's a good thing I wasn't there. And I'm pretty sure I know why.
I don't know what I'm going to do about August. It hasn't really set in yet that you won't be there.
Even on that day I did not set that get together in hopes of a reconciliation.
I'm glad you realized that it didn't mean anything. That it seemed to be the reactions. Thank you.
I can't believe Goatee Guy was Chase.
I like that they tried to make Ryan look tall. Also you can see everyone's elbows except Phil's.
I think my brain has exploded.
*insert mean joke from Trudy*
I think I'm going to go to the concert just to see Trudy.
I'm pretty sure I'll never cross the line on that one thing. That one thing I should probably face up to. It just doesn't seem right. Something about it has always held me back.
Since we last spoke. That's what I told you about. Getting my license. Now I just can't do it.
I'll never get used to it.
I'm under those same stars... You asleep at my side...
That just went from one meaning to another. That warm night. That warm house. That warm burn. That tight feeling of your arms. I didn't want you to leave. I know what everyone thinks. Maybe some of their ideas I had hoped for. Maybe that was the problem. Why am I thinking about you all of a sudden? I'm pretty sure that I'm not really liking it. The first time we met Maddie tried to get you to do a strip tease. The second time we met, I was dying. And you were trying to keep me warm. Watching you do a scene with your eyes on me the whole time. Rushing over afterwards. You were nice and warm. I remember it all. Falling asleep on the couch. To wake up after rehearsal to you coming to check. For blue blue skies...
Could I have saved you, would that have betrayed you?
That too. Those words haunt me everyday.
All of the I love you's. I miss you so much. I think I would be in a very different place if I still had you. But I am slowly learning what it is like not being able to pour my day into your ear. To put it here to be judged. To not have you to yell to about the government.
Ed who?
A first kiss in the making. But never made.
Maybe this is all going to help me make sense of things. But truly half of those things rarely matter anymore. Maybe this will help me write? Now that is extremely doubtful. I wish I had your way with words.
Love,
Just me and this.
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