I wish I was stronger...

To tell you why, I do the things I do. Or why simple things affect me. It all builds up to a moment where I can't just use the smile anymore. It's interesting to see those that prevail and those the slip away. Some with no regrets. I'm not sure where this is heading right now. I know that I'm tired of being judged. And that I need some space. I need someone to handle shit and I've realized that's not you. Like me, you like to hide in little worlds you create for yourself. But they are not safe. They are not a home. I don't know where we are right now. But I do not have the capacity or strength to tell you these things to your face. And for that I am sorry. Other things I am still thinking about. I needed a break from being in those worlds. Much like it was with Stock I needed new things. I don't know whether I can handle that June night but I will try, if you can tolerate it. Where the fest is going I don't know. I'd like to go. But right now much like I don't have the strength to tell you, I don't have the strength to go with you. I am taking the easy way out here. And as much as it sickens me I can't have any other way to do it. I'm not ignoring you because I want to, there's something inside I can't explain which is why I just can't handle that right now. I have told lies to you and the people around me to keep them happy. I can't decide whether or not to tell them though. Either way I'd be a bitch. I saw a quote today on a wall. The worst truth is better than the best dressed lie. I have issues with image. But this isn't about me. It's about this. Although that is something to do with this. So I don't know where this is going or why I even felt the need to say this. For some reason I still feel no different nor like these past words meant anything. I'm at an interesting point in life. But I'm not saying that as a reason. I'm saying that as... I don't know how to describe it. I'm 17 tomorrow. And people say they don't feel different. And usually I agree. But something is different this time. A lot of changes are happening. I can't tell how all will turn out. And this is one of those situations. This sounds like crap to me...