Sunday, April 12, 2009

It Hurts Me To Say

secret: I watch sad movies, clips and listen to sad songs to lie to myself. I don't like to face that I have to cry over things.
I tried not to cry that one day. I tried so hard. I tried to be strong.(a minute if you could)I spent that whole day, by myself. Teaching myself to be strong. (I haven't ever written this down before, but it needs to be somewhere) I sat in that stupid hall with the stupid sandwiches and squares. Not knowing anybody. But knowing that they didn't know. No one has any fucking idea. People came up to me asking if I was her daughter, and if I could give her this card. No one knew that it wasn't her hurting. She forced me into the hospital. Left me there. In that room. The last thing I talked to her about was getting my learner's license. I feel like why I haven't done that is because then I really will be moving on. I trick myself into thinking I'm doing what she asked me to. But its so fucking hard. They kept trying to force me into going to see her lying among the flowers. I didn't want that to be my last vision of her. As they carried her out Uncle T walked past me with tears in his eyes, I was so lost and confused, he grabbed my hands and said something, that I can't remember, maybe he said nothing. He nodded and walked off. Then they yelled at me. They made me feel like I didn't know her. That I wasn't apart of it, when I was a bigger part of it then anyone. No one else called her everyday. I had to ride with B, listening to Bob Marley, not with my family. When we reached her final resting place, I didn't want a flower. I didn't want to go near it. They wanted me to say something. I didn't. They kept yelling at me to stand on the green mat. I didn't want to be the spectacle. I wasn't part of that family then. Because they weren't part of hers. They didn't deserve to stand with me. As they talked. I held it together. I placed my flower, dreadfully. When I walked back to my spot. I broke down. I tried to walk away but I kept hearing her words in my head. "When I die, don't cry, it will be okay." Everyone. Every single fucking one of them, looked back at me, but not one of them took one step towards me, reached out a hand no one. Then Daryl. Out of no where. Came up beside me. And pulled me in. A friend of my aunts who I barely know. The only person who reached out to me. He passed me some tissues. I don't know how long it was. But soon it was over. And I had to listen to them talk about it like it was a business deal. Then people kept asking her, probably after seeing that, if that was me. Then they kept trying to talk to me about how much she loved me and talked about me. I tried to escape to the car, but it was locked and none of them would talk to me long enough to unlock it. They all told me to go away. Cory walked with me to the car. Telling me it was okay and that at least I would have the memories of her unlike the younger kids. Things like that really don't help. After lunch I sat of these swings looking out on the lake and it began to rain. It was the first thing I felt, the reality rushing back. I remember it all like a really bad movie.
I walked into the trailer and she told me "they had to operate on Ma's eye and that there was a 5% chance she could go blind or something like that." She didn't tell me it was a brain tumor. I cried myself to sleep that night in a tent trailer, and everyone pretended they couldn't hear. Social was just about to end and Ms. Hayden-Issak came and asked me to come with her to her office. She told me they went to Edmonton and that it wasn't looking good. I went and got a drink of water and went to my next class. I told most of my teachers, we were taking a family trip to Edmonton. Because that's what every Gr. 9 does the first week of school. My Dad told me upstairs while I was playing Spider Solitaire, then he just walked out of the room. I walked calmly down to my room and called Amy.
In the summer she had asked me what I wanted when she died. I laughed at her telling her she was crazy. She left me her dictionary's. All 15 of them. Hahaha... Everyone thought that was crazy. Every night when I had vocabulary I'd phone her and she'd help me with my homework. No one else knows that. She thought it meant nothing when it meant everything.
I live everyday with this. Every thought. See Me Fly. I like to believe that wherever she is, she's watching over me. That she's keeping an eye on me watching my grow. I used to try to figure out by what age I'd have to get married for her to be able to be there to walk me down the aisle. She's taught me everything I know, and made me the person I am. She encouraged my music. It's on my list to know why. I want to build the strength to take a trip to see him and talk to him about it all. But I'm not ready for that. Maybe a summer after high school trip I will take.
No body knows this except all of you now. I'd like to keep it that way please. This was for me. Not for anyone else. I need to have it somewhere. Respect that.
"I can't tell whether the trees look less beautiful because your not here to see them with me or more beautiful because I know that you are with them."



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdtUR_KibEs

I used to think this song was really perverted, I guess is the word, and rather pathetic on his part. It's the song he wrote in rehab. About his dependency on drugs. It's so beautiful.

Love,
See Me Fly MA

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