Everything I Didn't Want To Say

But everything always gets in my way.
I miss you so much. I love you. I can't believe I allowed them to corrupt me like that. You were my best friend.
I can't believe I told them. I have never been so real in my entire life. As I was with those kids. I could tell the kids were judging me but that lady picked me up and told me the most beautiful words.
Why I can relate to the most random shit. Mia and Aaron and Tyler. Mia reminds me of myself. She only has that one person she truely can trust. She sees that everyone hates her. People only like the face I put on. Why I put it on astounds me.
I performed the shit out of life twice this week. And it makes me question everything I thought I had decided. Now I'm just even more lost.
I can never say the truth plainly. Do I know the truth anymore? I don't want people to know that. You know who knows. Will. ha. We were going to go to Toronto and start a band and work in a car shop like all bands do. I think he was watching too much Princess Diaries. Only he would love Gilmore Girls. I asked him to watch out for her. And he did. Then everything fell apart.
I'm tired of being underestimated. And being the butt of the joke. I'm tired of you thinking I'm not worthy or fat. Because I'm slowly learning that what you have to say truely doesn't matter. Than I can do this.
I'm so fed up with this shit.
I bite my tongue even here. Because I know who reads this. That pisses me off.
I loved him.
Why did we all go through that at a young age? We got more immature as the time went on. Abuse? Drinking? Lies? Whatever.
How long has it been? I can't remember. Isn't that a good thing?
Stop pressuring me. What kind of example is that?
I have to leave.
I don't want you to come anymore.
You are much like everyone else. You get the face to.
Even my best friend does. You know how much bullshit that is? How much bullshit I keep up with? You won't listen to me. But you won't share either. I don't even know what our friendship is based on anymore. All that stuff you shared with everyone, and not me. I told you I was there for you. Did you not trust that?
I live in a state of paranoia. That everyone is out to get me, or use me. Everyone has.
Stop using it as an excuse. Reading a stupid fucking book isn't HELPING HIM! You want to know why? Maybe you should have looked the fuck around a few years ago. I feel so bad about all that shit. Not only was he dealing with it at home, but now at school! Have you even told him? You know what else kills. The fact that you spend all this time helping him and I suffered every moment, every morning and every night. Maybe not in the same aspect you did. But that doesn't matter. I remember going out on my bike into the field and as I scaled through the bumpy not trail and all the twigs and things were scratching my legs. I've always remembered that. Not sure why.
I used to have to pretend someone was there. Why do you think I turned to her?
You know what pisses me off? We were watching TV and its always the emotional art student who kills everyone at school isn't it? That's fucking bullshit.
You sent me that video. The sad part is I can relate to a youtube joke. That's fucking bullshit.
It all seems so useless. Science kids and pre-eng kids are handed opportunities left right and center. Me? I barely apply for any scholarships. I have to buy my music, buy a ticket to the show, find a way to discuss the music with someone in the band, find other opportunities for me to learn. No one wants to help. Oh your a performer. That's the one line in life I hate. I'd kill it if I could. Wash it out of everyone's mouths and minds.
I'm emotional and pissed and artsy. And Caleb keeps trying to see if I look at him when he continuously takes his shirt off. Oh theater kids...
Oh and I know everything. I can't believe you doubted that.
Plans for tonight: Continue stalking the internet, watch a movie, maybe sit at the piano (why can't I, I see it, walk towards it and turn away.)
See Me Fly Ma.
I love you.