I don't know if I can keep doing this.

Where's my pity party headgear?

Haven't Been Here In A While

Things feel different.

It's weird being back to this.

I'm skeptical of another year and a half.

Love my new book but I guess my Christmas wish is not coming true.

Seems like you've never had to wait for me, I've always been waiting for you.

It's Never Felt Like This Before

Things were going so well. It felt like you'd always been here with me.

It's never hurt like this before. I physically ache. Because you're not around.

Anytime I do something in my regular routine now, all I can think about is how it was with you around.

Being held under the warm water. Having help making my bed. Someone to share doing dishes with. Even just getting ready while you were reading.

It just felt right. Like I said, as though you'd always been there.

I haven't posted here in a long time and right now it feels like I need to get this out right now. Somewhere to get this out so that every night I don't feel like crying. It can be anything that tips it off but it happens. Usually doesn't last long, which is good? I'm not sure.

I'm trying.

I've started to look at everything as though once I get one task done, I'm somehow closer to feeling together again.

53 days, but who's counting?

I miss cuddling before falling asleep.

I Want a Kitten

I'm not sure where that come from. But I just have the sudden urge to pet an animal. Specifically a tiny little kitten. One that wouldn't mine I only own ten feet of space. I would mind cause the litter box would smell. But the kitten would be soft and cuddly and would like to play with yarn. And it would be all curious about the world. It would be exciting.

I'm scared you're growing up way too quickly or that maybe I'm scared to grow too.

Cut - Jimmy Eat World

And You're Never Coming Home Again

I need to switch my phone number.

Yeah last night you did choose watching TV online over talking to me. That's not showing me much. And you know what happened today, you don't think I'd want to talk and de-stress? Especially when I'm throwing all hints I want to talk and I get a good night. So when I say what? Saying you're tired and had a few drinks. Is just really not an excuse. I'm not asking for a lot right? Don't buy your girlfriend flowers when she asks for flowers. Things aren't as great as they appear.

I feel distant.

I've eaten one whole meal in the past three days.

First she yells at me for not going out to get something to eat and then she's like no going out. That makes no sense.

Waking up to someone telling you their neck popped, sort of isn't comforting.

There's mascara everywhere.

I really should eat something, but eating currently just makes me want to puke.

By my side. You'll never be.

I don't think you realized how much hurt you caused that day. I'm not over it. I don't know if I can get over that. I also really think you need to control things. Seriously. Get a hold of yourself. Grow up.

I didn't go to open mic cause we got back late and I need to finish my readings but I had a mental break down. So that's not going so well right now.

I'm staying up to make sure you get back and because I have your pain meds.

Dinner with Billy. I cannot wait.

I see you. You see me. Differently.

And Finally A Regret

What happened to us?

You used to send me morning messages and you used to stay up till 4am talking to me.

As much as I encourage this, you push it. There were times that week that it bothered me. The pushing.

I regret those last few minutes.

I was taught to talk big and just scrape by, but you talk big and you make it.

What does that mean? Taking a step back you don't see that anymore.

I just want you to be the one that calls me. I want you to say I love you first. The past four phone calls you never said it. I remember when you used to yell at me for not saying I love you before saying goodbye. You used to bring me tea in the mornings. Then you just started showing up in the mornings and climbing into bed with me.

If you don't live for the small things you won't have anything. But funny thing is, when there are no more small things you don't have anything.

Three Sleeps

Started getting somewhere with packing. Towels and bedding is all packed, so is cleaning supplies. Got some foods today for res and an awesome rug. It's seriously great. People are just going to come to my room to stand on my rug. Finally picked out a printer too. Saw awesome Red Head Best Buy Guy. He's awesome. Also another guy with really awesome curly hair helped us today. I've decided if I were to talk to anyone at Best Buy I'd ensure they have curly hair, cause that girl we talked to with straight hair was useless.

Reall loving the first disc of the Take Action Tour 2009. It has a Frank Turner song on it. It's my new favourite song of his, well that and the one about his dream about Bob Dylan.

Three sleeps till I get to see you. Three. I have so far waited 49 days for you to come home. That's crazy. And then in a week I'm leaving. But somehow its all worth it. You sounded really happy today, which made me feel a lot better because you've been sounding not the happiest recently.

Skinn is being all itchy and gross again. I'm stressed.

I seriously don't know what I'm going to do when I see you. The fact that I get to see you is currently mind blowing. I have butterflies thinking about it.

Going to get more stuff with Mom tomorrow morning. I like being overly prepared, considering buying things in Vancouver is going to be so much more expensive.

I can't decide which sweaters I want to bring... So many sweaters, so little space.

Filled half a suitcase of clothes already. And my closet still looks full... But it feels like I'm leaving behind a lot of stuff. Mom says its ok to pack a lot because then what I realize I don't need once we set up my room she can just take back. I feel bad that she's going to drive to Vancouver and back and help me set up my room in three days.

So far I'm most stressed about paying fees and getting textbooks. Apparently we have to load up cards for the washing machines too... I think it's stressful cause it's so much money at once, instead of in little increments. And knowing that I have to pay that amount again come January... Real life is starting to freak me out...

I don't want to be a part of your stupid scrapbook thing because I don't even know who she is. Like sure we talk, but it's not like her and I are friends.

I feel like I need to pack more personal things for school, I have a lot of new things but nothing that makes me feel happy about memories or looking back on high school... I brought two posters and two stickers to put up, but I think I will bring a few little trinkets.

It's also weird thinking about how all my stuff is just going to sit here for four months, with no one to use it or look at it... And that it will be exactly as I left it...

Things are changing.

I remember the nights we spent under city lights
This feelings got the best of me
We were floating along to the sounds of a dead end town
But now that's just a memory

I can't figure you out, you've got more fight in you
Than anybody else
And here's the part where I start to make my own damn decisions
And make a name for my self

I'll never be what you want
I wouldn't change any part of me
Just to make you stay
You had a piece of my heart
But not enough to just run away
'Cause I know what's best for me

Take all your big plans and throw them away
I've got something in mind before we go separate ways
We ask the questions baby,
Who provides the answers?

I'm scared to death and it shows
The flame burned out, but it glows
And the look in your eyes says things I don't wanna know
It's time to go!
Come closer!
And I can't say anything, everything comes out the wrong way

I'll never be what you want
I wouldn't change any part of me
Just to make you stay
You had a piece of my heart
But not enough to just run away
'Cause I know what's best for me

Just try, just try a little harder
I'll do my best explaining all the things I'm going through
Just try, just try a little harder
This is why I can't adjust for you

You can't say
The look in your eyes says things I don't wanna know
No you, You can't stay

I wanna be with you, and no one else
I need you to feel the way that you felt that summer night
When you found that puzzle piece missing for eight straight weeks
You're not the perfect fit

I'll never be what you want
I wouldn't change any part of me
Just to make you stay
You had a piece of my heart
But not enough to just run away
'Cause I know what's best for me

There's just something about this...

That's real. Every time I hear the Cash version I feel like crying. I usually do cry. Not going to lie though, NIN is really powerful in this song. Now I know even NIN said they feel like it's now Johnny's song. But something about this really got to me.

I'm Worth One Phone Call. Right?

I would think so. I'd say I wouldn't expect this of him, but he's kind of an enigma to me, and it actually seems like something he would do. I'm not sure what I can tell you other than I think you should do what you think is best. If it makes you feel any better, which I doubt, I don't know of anyone who has heard from him. Not very many people knew he was actually gone. If you do wait for him, I'm sure he will do his best to make it up to you.

So Maybe I'm Starting To Realize Everything

I can't fall asleep at night again.

I have those weird bumps on my fingers again like I did during Stampede. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, so no worries. It's weird, it like bubbles up in places and if you pop them their wet. It's not gross though.

And I'm only really eating dinner, and even then I'm not actually hungry.

I'm trying to do some more stretching cause my body currently hates me. Debating starting up that thing again.

I'm doing a lot of cleaning too. Slow cleaning. I found my dance shoes the other day and put them on. They still fit perfectly. Maybe I'll take up a dance class at school. There were ballroom clubs that teach you.

And I sort of don't want to go out and be stupid. Sounded fun at first. Then I went out and was stupid and didn't have as much fun. I have a feeling, we'll lose touch once I move.

I read my book again the other day. Everyone said to stay in touch cause I'm going places. It's kinda weird that everyone said that.

Anyways maybe I'll do my routine look in the fridge and not eat anything.

Let go,

Jessica

My Obsession With Meat Loaf Continues

Working on Top Secret Project. Progress is good-ish.

Cleaned my room today, listening to nothing but What About Love? by Meat Loaf.

I'm sort of done with writing everything here. Maybe it's cause you read it. It just feels too exposed now, or maybe I've just stopped noticing the world around me.

Love; shouldn't feel like this,

Jessica

I'm Your Girlfriend Not Your Life Coach

I have all these plans and you have excuses. And I'm tired of having to push you. I'm so fucking tired of it. Because I deserve more than that and what he said is true, it is sort of like manipulation and I thought of that before but now I truly see it. If I wake up to a sorry I'm going to fucking lose it. I know who I am and who I want to be and I need someone to share that with not someone who runs away or has to convince themselves their worth being with me.

I will Pine for the Oak streets. Pine for the cedars. Pine for you.

I can't. I'm honestly about ready to give up. Because you need to do something about this, instead of just sleeping. Fuck you. I've never been this angry at you before. Ever.

Jessica

30: Remembering

All week I've been remembering everything. It's a good remembering though. I like it. Makes me miss you more though.

Folk fest this weekend and the lemon grass chicken is returning, so stoked.

Going shopping tomorrow. Not sure why or for what. But just excited to go out.

Keeping myself busy you know.

I can't look at children.

There was this little girl and I was smiling and waving to her, and I noticed her glance on Sawyer and I looked over and he was making faces at her. It was adorable.

There was a little boy in cowboy boots, with blonde hair and blue eyes. Yeah...

I'm almost done with having the same conversation every night. But I have made my decision.

I'm really soft today. It's great. Mani/Pedi's were win. Last nights dinner was also win.

I can't hold a conversation with people without getting lost. Especially watching that movie last night, when it showed that one clip, I definitely spaced out. I still think I've made all smart choices when it comes to this. A lot of growing up has occurred this year.

Work was great. I'm behind on YAA. Maybe I will actually accomplish that tomorrow. Also must pay phone bill. Mhm.

Cupcake adventures,

Jessica

I'm going to break his heart before the summer ends, aren't I?

Untitled

You're Special

Drunk words are sober thoughts right?

Marina came up to me after the wedding and grabbed my hands and gave me this huge speech about how I'm talented and that the talents I have make me a very special person and I have to make sure I use them and don't let them go to waste. I almost cried then, but I wasn't drinking enough for that.

Cory made Kelly's dress fall down. Haha. Weirdest line dance I've ever done.

Let me see your best moves. Haha.

This is my next grand daughter that will be getting married.

That was interesting.

I keep forgetting. Not good.

I enjoy that I no longer have split ends.

I should have left yesterday when I wanted too. Just sort of wasted my time and I still have a few things to accomplish. Guess I could've woken up earlier today and got some things done. I still could go out and get them done.

I can't believe today's the day I eat a Big Mac. Do you think I should get fries too? Or just go with the burger. Oh man this is going to gross. Haha. But hey, it's on the list.

I hope it doesn't rain tonight cause I want to go back to that place. That was a good night, wasn't it?

So last night when I was getting ready for bed. I remembered this. It's a crappy video, but I think it gets the point across.

Now I just really want to watch that movie.

But before I do something with my day, I leave you with this.

I'm not afraid to show you who I am
And I am not ashamed of my life
Though I've walked alone down this cold and soulless road
I've always felt your heat in my bones

With every step I rise and fall
With everything to gain I end up losing it all
When the darkness gets in
I scream out and your light sets me free

I'm not afraid of the past no more
I'm not afraid and I'm bad for good
I used to dance to the devil's beat
If I could bust into hell I would

I'm not afraid to shed all my skin
I'm not afraid of the faults you see
I'm tearing down these walls right now
They're comin' down 'cause I believe

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

I'm not afraid when they kick me down
I'm not afraid when I start to bleed
I'm not afraid if I live or die
I'm not afraid 'cause I believe

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

And I wish that I could give you something in return
For the precious time you wasted on the tears I've never earned
For reaching out to help me 'cross the bridges that I burned

And in the end you'll finally see
That, baby, I've done everything I possibly can
I do it again 'cause know you're everything that I need

I'm not afraid of the the truth no more
I'm not afraid of the lies I hid
I'm not afraid of the past of my sins
'Cause I paid for the wrongs I did

I'm not afraid of the things you know
I'm just a book for the world to read
My final words on the final page
Will be amends 'cause I believe

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

Your heart is kind, mine's painted black
The way you forgive me and just take me back
Your love is blind, blind as bat

Your love is blind, blind as a bat
The way that you're leading me home like that
Your love is blind, blind as bat

Your heart is kind, mine's painted black
The way you forgive me and just take me back
Your love is blind, blind as bat...

Love,

Jessica

I Love Meatloaf

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)

I just love you.

I don't know why. I just do. When are you coming home?

So Toy STory 3 made me bawl. I even came home and turned on music and tried to clean to stop myself from crying. Usually when the cleaning kicks in, I don't cry. But I couldn't stop. And then Cristina came into my room and brought Kira. Which made me wanna cry more. The four of us went to the movie and sometimes it also makes me wanna break down that we all treat Tyler like that, but I don't know how to get close to him. There are these very brief moments sometimes where it feels like him and I actually have a decent sibling relationship. I hope he finds what he needs too.

I didn't cry on the last day of school, but that movie made everything come crashing down.

scare - panic: sudden mass fear and anxiety over anticipated events

I try so hard to be strong honestly. And I try to make it look like I'm going to be okay. But I'm not. I had a melt down, you could call it, about how there's now less than two weeks left. Honestly, people think I'm level headed about this but I'm so far gone. The other day it took a lot of effort to hide a smile but I know that we both need to go our separate ways. And to be honest once more, those things you said to me last week, no one has ever said and you make me feel all those things and I'm scared that without you I won't be able to ever feel those things again. When you come over on Tuesday, I need you to move the treadmill. Cause I really wanna run. And I can't cause I can't move it. See, when you leave who's going to move stuff around for me? Let's not lie that's not the biggest reason I'm not going to get out of bed for a whole day. I'm debating about what we should do that last day. However, sometime next week we're having date night. I already know what we're doing.

Don't cry, it'll get better...

Scars Are Beautiful - Paul Brandt

Jessica

Dear Body,

You really can't even attempt to hide things at all can you?

You know it's bad when you can't feel your legs anymore.

And yes I did just turn around and slide down onto the floor. I needed a moment.

Jessica

And You Watched Me Drown

I wonder if that job offer still stands....

You Know You Want To Help Me Kill A Skank

I'm realizing things you're not going to like. I miss Repo and cheesecake and brownies and awkward Don Juan plays. I miss what I used to have.

It's a dirty night tonight
I'm just watching the world go by
But nothing ever happens or works out right
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

I've got bad, bad news
I've gone and one what I always do
I've fallen in and out of love with you before you even had a clue

Don't tell me you can't live without me
You still don't know a thing about me
And how the urgency of our demise was just a matter of time
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

It's a dirty night tonight
I'm just watching the cars go by
From this phone booth when I just gotta make the call
And say goodbye
And say goodbye
I just called to say

Don't tell me you can't live without me
You still don't know a thing about me
And how the urgency of our demise was just a matter of time
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

You know I'm leaving and hold on while you can
The tension runs as deep as this city spans
You say you won't forget but I will fade so fast
Write the whole world down it still won't last

Don't tell me you can't live without me
You still don't know a thing about me
And how the urgency of our demise was just a matter of time
Under these city lights
Under these city lights
Under these city lights
Under these city lights

When I Thought I Was Strong

as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground

you're keeping me down.

That's a good song. What a difference 48 hours makes. Two sets. Very different.

Cristina is coming to town. I can't wait. And then in October we get to hang out with JJ. It's going to be awesome.

I really need space. I'm feeling stuck. I need something new. I'm not pushing myself as much anymore. I sort of noticed that when we were performing today. It was just sort of like where am I going?

I think I will take theory. Brush up on scales and harmonics. Could be good.

I really want to spew all over the place right now, but I feel very restricted at the current moment. Like I said, trapped in this stupid box. *kicks box*

I think I'm going to go to New Black Saturday night. It will be fun. I just feel so... right. Being there. It's where I should be. Even if I'm not necessarily behind the sound board. I hear we got a new sound board. That's kind of exciting.

I'm frustrated on all sorts of levels.

I'm going to bring a memory journal tomorrow. Stealing ideas. Again. I know.

You know, there are some people that get on your nerves a lot and that you can't handle for very long periods, but they always seem to be there when you need somebody.

Folk Fest schedule soon.

I'm stressing. It's not good. But soon I can yell at truck drivers and throw pylons and talk to my manager about life. I love her. And bring donuts and coffee in the morning and accept donuts and coffee.

I haven't decided if I'm going to go to BRoken City or not. I really want to, but I don't have the time. Like I said. I used to make space for everything and now I just cut. It's stupid. I want to do everything again. I want to push myself like I used to. I used to work and be in two shows at the same time and go to school and volunteer. What happened to that girl? I miss her. And she had better marks.

I'm confused, frustrated and lost but really excited for next year. Course selections and orientation registrations and what to pack lists have got me really excited.

Keeping me down,

Jessica

Nicest Thing - Kate Nash

Thinking. Not good.

Woah There Nelly!

"And you'll see..."

Oh MBF, this music video is beautiful. Mostly because I love this song...

I think it's helping me see. I don't know what I see. Things have been a little foggy lately. You think you're doing the right thing, but you're never really sure. I thought it was right, but maybe what I think is right is wrong or what I thought was right is wrong. Yes, the two are different.

I want to dress different. I want to be someone different. Style wise, I feel stuck. I need less, I just woke up clothes and more industry clothes. I used to separate my clothes; street clothes, home clothes and pjs. I just want to throw everything out and shave my hair off and start all over. Is that ok? Can that be ok? I don't know where this is coming from but it's spewing everywhere. Washing me away into the blue.

Random conversation time. I love that you just wanted to talk to me. Everyone thinks your this huge jerk but we get a long. I don't get it. I was thinking about New Year's and how we were just lying there talking about everything. Because everything we thought was the same. I've never had that. I'd say it was weird, but it was actually really nice.

I just want to walk out of the station and open my umbrella and walk down the street with everybody. Is that alright? Can that be allowed? I'm not sure. I'm conflicted needless to say. Left or right? Here or there? Where is here? Where is there? Going with what I hopes going to make me happy or going with what is making me happy? Yes, those are two different things. I ask a lot of questions for a girl who everyone thinks has the answer.

Confused yet?

Me too.

Jessica

Please Be My Friend

"My pit fat is just weird. I started losing one arm pit's fat from carrying my portfolio around at school (it's that heavy) and now...One side is almost completely gone, while the other still has a little sag.

-67 pounds and what do I have to show for it? Lopsided pit fat. :/"

I love you and your lopsided pit fat. Let's be friends.

Jessica

boyS?

Today's Sad Song

We have to say good bye 

All things have to end 

But I keep insisting 

I go on resisting 

Why should I pretend?  

We paid for some mistakes 

We never should have made 

So it seems we were living in dreams 

But now those dreams fade 

 In a perfect world 

You'd hold me forever 

In a perfect world, our love would stand tall 

But I'm not perfect 

And you're not perfect 

Cause if you were 

I wouldn't have loved you 

At all  

It took a little time 

For me to come so far 

But finally I see 

That our impurity 

Makes us who we are  

There's no going back 

We can't undo the past 

We've mastered the art 

Of breaking apart 

And falling so fast  

In a perfect world 

You wouldn't have left me 

Feeling left out, abandoned, and small 

But I'm not perfect 

And you're not perfect 

Cause if you were I wouldn't have loved you  

So I'm sorry for the million awful things I did and said 

And the million other things I should have

 Said and done instead 

And I'm sorry you won't spend each minute 

Growing old with me 

I'm sorry that our life will never be  

The two of us on Sunday morning 

Waking as the light shines through 

Knowing at that very moment 

That I love you 

And you love me, too  

In a perfect world, we'd get to raise a family 

In a perfect house with pictures on the wall 

But I'm not perfect, and you're not perfect 

And nothing's perfect 

If we were perfect 

We'd wake up one day 

Unable to recall 

If we had ever truly loved 

At all

I Could Get Used To This.

Ideas for New Black: I post on YAA on Thursday's, so we could have what's happening at New Black this weekend posts, and I also think it would be good to take photos during events and upload them to our FB page. Darren didn't tell me what time we're meeting, he's probably there now, I usually show up at 6, shows are usually at 7, so I'll be there at 7.

Grad was weird. It doesn't feel like it happened, or like it should have been stressed about so much. Also dear, (I know you're reading this) we are a very attractive couple.

I had a lot of fun. Also I've never really been a flower person, but I enjoy waking up to my flowers, or just sitting and staring at them. Haha.

Oh Dylan, you're such a mess.

"Have they been in there this whole time?"

"He's just jealous cause his girlfriend doesn't want him."

I'm currently listening to really intense sad music, its kind of ballin'.

I'm not sure what I think and feel about all of this. Talking to you used to help me see things clearly, but now even your own judgement is faded because of your stupidity.

Definitions of fairness on the Web:

• conformity with rules or standards; "the judge recognized the fairness of my claim"
• ability to make judgments free from discrimination or dishonesty
• paleness: the property of having a naturally light complexion
• comeliness: the quality of being good looking and attractive

Hmm... I'm not sure any of those fit what I'm going for, but they all seem to apply. I would say it was unfair that the alarm went off but a good thing at the same time. When I said I was scared I think that's more what I meant. It's still not a bad scared though. It's a, I had a plan and then something happened and I started to enjoy life here and I stopped waiting for my life to start. And yes, that scares me. The reasons I have for things also scare me and it scares me how more trusting I am of people now. That percentage was in a lot of trouble the other morning/evening.

It feels so weird to be dressed like this. To be meshing the life I have now with the life I had in October.

Sad musical numbers have distracted me. We'll talk later.

But I'm not perfect And you're not perfect Cause is you were I wouldn't have loved you At all

Jessica

Not Sure.

What I want to say yet. But this is a good song.

Love,

Jessica

Why Am I Doing This To Myself?

I'm reading backwards. And every time I flinch knowing you had to read it. Hahaha. Oh man.

I rediscovered my Cute Is What We Aim For CD.

It's been a good weekend.

Just chase skirts instead,

Jessica

What A Day.

"When I'm angry I watch 16 and Pregnant, it makes me feel better about my life."

Truer words have never been spoken.

When we were lying there tonight I started thinking about it. I've never thought about it before. But I started seeing it. It was weird. But it wasn't a bad weird, which kinda freaked me out. Stupid contacts, I think that was the problem. That I could see the map on the wall. That's what I was going to say. But I knew that it wouldn't be one of my bad jokes, that it would actually hurt. So I'm saying it here, so that I don't have to have that thought just floating around in my brain until I explode.

This tea has made my room smell really good.

Found a dried centipede on the floor. So not cool.

Finished this weeks YAA post so that I don't have to worry about that. Awesome.

I think it's weird that I always try to put up the front that everything is ok and that everything will be. It's so not how I actually feel about a situation. I'm like a duck like that. Calm and collected on the outside but swimming as hard as I can underneath the water.

I can't believe I started thinking about that. People keep saying that to me. That maybe there is more to life than lawn furniture.

Not going to lie, after this evening, kind of glad our parents won't be meeting at Grad. I'd feel super awkward. True facts.

And even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff. Who could deny these butterflies?

Jessica

What a day.

Got free contacts.

Bought new shorts and tanks.

Made out in a stairwell.

Classy.

Two hours of homework left.

Tooth fell in and now I have a hole in my tooth.

Getting my teeth cleaned on Friday.

I don't understand I brush twice a day and floss every other day. Maybe I need to floss more.

My stomach hurts.

I burned my nose.

*shakes dice* Common Friday!!!

Pink with monkeys,

Jessica

702

Dehydrated

Well at least Summerstock parties taught me one thing.

Jessica

No, I'm Marcellus, his life partner.

I was going to go to that party. The one Stephen Page was at. I regret that.

Of course I didn't use a fucking tripod. We randomly walked there on a Friday night.

You're letting this all fall apart. We need help. You need help. He needs help. You can't let things go on like this. I know your tired, but you have no clue the burden that you place on me. I can't listen to everything anymore. Cause it'll kill me. That's why I'm leaving. That's why I decided six years ago that I was leaving. I used to sit in my room and watch the videos for Julliard. Haha. I still watch the videos for that school in Florida. Could you imagine me living in Florida?

You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I tried to be your brother
You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn’t
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I’ll give you something can cry about
One thing you should try it out
Hold a mirror shoulder high
When you’re older look you in the eye
When you’re older look you in the eye

I tried but you tried harder
I lied but you lied smarter
You made me guess who was it
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

OOOOHHHHHHHOOOHHH

You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

You run away (I tried to be your brother)
You could turn and stay (You cried and ran for cover)
But you run away from me (I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)

But that’s not something to cry about (crrryyyy!)
It’s not something to lie about

You run away (I tried to be your brother)
You could turn and stay (You cried and ran for cover)
But you run away from me (I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)

Now There's A Lot To Think About

Definitions of scared on the Web:
scare - panic: sudden mass fear and anxiety over anticipated events

On a different note, I'm really sick of you. And today, that was really fucking uncool. You really have no consideration for other people do you? I thought not.

Third night in a row flying solo. Feels really good actually. I've always been a fan of Jessica time.

Colin, I love you. You saved me today. Thank you. I will forever remember us eating chicken strips and onion rings and french fries all dipped in gravy while watching Glee with everyone. And then there was that cake. Also, I've officially been accepted by Zevan. Although, I probably just spelled his name wrong. Fun fact of the day: Zevan is too tall to hug.

You are crazy talented. On stage you become a totally different person. You were absolutely fantastic. You push me to explore my creative mind more, and I think in some way we push each other. At least I'd like to hope so. Because it seems as though when we compliment each other on our work it means a lot more than if it came from anyone else.

"Get so tired, tired."

I never have to try. I should have known. Sorry. My minds made up. I think it always has been.

"I can take it if you need to take this out on someone."

Jessica

And Maybe You Just Need.

A friend. As clumsy as you've been.

This is me. This is where I write the stupid stuff that happens in my brain and one would think the internet would respect that and not abuse that.

"but its the truth even if it didn't happen"

Definitions of truth on the Web:

• a fact that has been verified; "at last he knew the truth"; "the truth is that he didn't want to do it

Well internet that certainly is interesting.

Even though I tell you things, my dearest internet, I'll never tell you everything. Somethings I'm scared to admit to myself. Sort of like I'm not really sure what I want to do right now besides eat shrimp feta penne and feed some ducks.

Today's random thought, when you were younger were you ever afraid of falling in the toilet? I totally was. Actually I was afraid of the bathroom itself in our house in Edmonton. I think the fact that so many dish disappeared in there attributed to it.

So yeah my Tuesday was ruined. But I'm not ruined. It's me. I've always been me. And I'm always going to be me.

I love Raine Maida and his passion for art.

Comes a time when you get turned around, and
Life itself just wears you out, but
You keep getting ready for the big parade
Ah you shine your shoes and you fake a smile
Salute the players with that famous style, cause
Keepin up has kept you in chains

I was thinking that if you know a way out then I'd like to go with you
And we can burn out like candles under that paper moon

They just dont know anything at all
They just dont know anything at all

Youll fight traffic jams and big TVs, and
Hipsters trapped in their own irony, but
Youll finally think about settling down
Oh you quit your job and you sell your car
You'll burn your clothes and pray to the stars, cause
You swore to God that youd never end up this way

I was thinking that if you know a way out then I'd like to go with you
And we can burn out like candles under that paper moon

They just dont know anything at all
They just dont know anything at all
At all
At all
At all
At all

Comes a time when you get turned around, and
Life itself just wears you out, but
You keep getting ready for the big parade

Caught Off Guard

Things kinda caught me off guard today. And I've yet to find the right person to share these things with. I am talking to people who are really close to me, but I just don't feel like I've found a person where this topic wouldn't be awkward because it is personal. It's weird cause it feel like we've been together longer than we have.

The buterflies in my stomach miss you. They are causing me pains right now. So not cool.

This is bad.

I really wanted to cry for a second there. But I'm holding it together.

Somehow,

Jessica

I Wish I Was There

To tell you how much I love you.

Stay Close. Be Close To Me. Boy Don't Be Gone.

Where do you think I disappeared too?

When I went back to bed it was warm on that side, which helped me not start shivering again. I had a dream about that morning though, and then when I opened my eyes I thought that maybe that hadn't happened and that you were still going to be there. Nope.

I love when you tell me stuff like that. I know that is crazy weird and most people would (and to use my own saying here) punch a baby in the face, if they heard that. But I honestly love it. It's strangely empowering.

Button up shirts and plaid pj's.

I really want to hang out with Elaine on Sunday. I feel like we haven't had one of those days in forever! And I'm craving sushi soooooo bad. Seriously, I'm pretty sure it's an addiction. I'm salivating and getting excited goose bumps as we speak.

Did I mention that you don't take a lot of convincing?

And there you go and do something like that again and it makes me follow you anywhere.

I really want to go to a play too. It would be really good. Which I think means I should wake up relatively early.

You should tell me more. I know there's more. I'd love to hear it.

Also I now know Tuesday's outfit. I need to fancy it up somehow though, cause my groups presenting and they have the moves and the words, we just need to get their energy in it, and when we have the space that is available in the theatre the magic is there. When we do it cramped up in the hallway, it loses the excitement.

I find their relationship weird. She's all over that other guy and he doesn't seem to care. I don't know. I guess they are the only relationship I'm close too. The other couples just seem weird. Do other people feel this way? I know that a lot of people notice that we are different, but I think other people think we are just really weird.

That really pisses me off. That people treated you like that today. When you told me that, I kinda wanted to get on a bus and give you the biggest hug ever. That's just ridiculous.

It's on my shelf now and every time I walk into my room, I grin like a lunatic.

"Brain to mouth filter"

What is her deal? First it's as though I have leprosy and now you say Hi and smile all the time. Then you steal my fucking warm up. You're kind of a skank. Saw that look when I had my green tea. You had your chance. I hate saying that. But you did. You all had so fucking many of them and wouldn't use them. So I will take your looks, and your idiocy and how before you would have pretended to talk to me and now you won't even do that. Honestly though... It's so much better now though. I wasn't lying the other day when I said I had all I wanted and all I needed. I'm not going to let you rain on my fucking parade because I'm talented and going places. I didn't want you to read those cards because you don't know that side of me like everyone else does and for you, hearing those things, is bitter sweet.

Can I say how much I truly enjoyed when you told him to back off the protective boyfriend act? It was so fantastic. I loved it.

I have a feeling if things were different, you'd ask me to wait, and I think I would be stupid enough too. This is as bad as I thought. But at least we both have it bad.

Morning mouth,

Jessica

Wish You Had Undressed Me In Your Head

I wrote a really long post about the shit that's going on and Blogger didn't save it and when I posted it it said it didn't work. So that post is gone now. Welcome to today.

In My Birthday Suit

Confession time. I usually put my laundry away after I've had a shower and generally I put all my clothes away before getting dressed. That's right I spend time naked. Isn't that awkward? You're s0 awkarded out right now reading this. Sometimes people call me when we have plans and I'll be putting my laundry away. That's right I talk to you on the phone while I'm naked. Now I love how everyone reading this is cringing. But why? You were born naked. You take showers naked. Sometimes it is just great to be in your natural form. That's all I'm saying. However, its only cool to be naked if you're the only one around. Don't be naked infront of other people. That is awkward.

True Story

My mother tweeted me to tell me that she was proud of me getting into University. Does she realize that really means nothing?

You Are Going To Kill Me If My Heart Skips Another Beat

I love green tea. I love being warm. I love the cool, sweet taste.

I've never been so grateful of everything I have. Life just seems to be almost going too well.

Today started off very well. And quite frankly, I cannot wait to climb back into bed.

It's probably a good thing we had to leave. We would have spent all day like that. It would not have been good.

"I know you wanna stay in bed, but it's light outside. But I'm going to stay right here cause you saved my life once."

There is not a single thing I would have changed about today. And I'm never going to forget that moment.

This is starting to mean more than I ever thought it was going too. It scares me.

"And I think I always knew you would be the greatest."

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Beautifully broken.

Is it too soon to wanna say it to you?

You're in the lead. You know that. I'll follow you. Anywhere.

It's How I Feel About You That Scares Me

It's Not Overrated

Overrated. I described it as that once. It's not. I don't like the leaving part. At all. It takes a lot out of me to allow the leaving to happen. I went and looked for my PostSecret book. It's gone. That means somebody out there has my secret. You're stupid things are all over my room. Well not all over. There's only two. Still. Do not leave your stuff in my room and give me my CD's back and I promise to start reading your silly book. I'm not getting boots. Sorry. It's a no go. It's not me. And just because you think it's a great idea, doesn't mean I do. Also I know sitting on the couch together with your parents is cool at your house, it's not at mine. We appear happy, but that's because we never share anything personal or spend more than 3 hours together. It's just a general rule. There's a lot you don't know about me and there are still a lot of those things that I'm not willing to share. With anybody as a matter of fact.
Today at Chapters some lady told her kid he was going to have a sore bum if he didn't start behaving. It took a lot for me to hold my tongue. It really did. This is something that only a few people will understand why, VERY few. It's one of the things I'd tell you but I'm not sure if you'd understand.
We've all got scars,
Jessica

I Relate To This Song

We all follow what we need
Eating everything that helps us grow out of our seed
Some times we grow some times we shrink
Some times we get to feel so high and then we sink

So she reached the world of possibilities
So unaware of its abilities
And the feeling grew stronger at each and every door
Till poor Alice forgot what she was living for

Alice went on a holiday
To a place so far away
She fell through a hole so dark and grey
And didn't know if she would have to stay
Alice went on a children's holiday

She got lost in her confusion
Not knowing her reality with her illusions
And between all of the mushrooms to the queen of hearts
She'd wished she'd never gotten to the point were this cursed journey starts

Alice went on a holiday
To a place so far away
She fell through a hole so dark and gray
And didn't know if she would have to stay
Alice went on a children's holiday

Is It Too Soon To Say Perfect?

I'm trying to kill my phone battery. Purposely. I'm the strangest person ever. Actually I'm rather interesting. This is something I have come to realize. Just when you think one thing about me I totally change that observation.
I love doing you activities. However, I'm intrigued to find out which Jessica activities you don't like... I'll never know will I? No, probably not.
I love this song. Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?
Let's not go to the top of that hill again. You were on edge the whole time. Was not very relaxing.
Why don't you care? I got accepted into this amazing school for an amazing program that is going to make me amazing. And you don't even know what the school's called. When I won that money and I told you not to tell. Everybody knew. Now that there is even better news, and I want everyone to know, no one knows. I hope Grandma knows. She doesn't call much anymore. It makes me said. I love our favourite Grandma.
I don't know whether to say the trees are less beautiful knowing you aren't here with me or more beautiful knowing you're with the trees.
I have been thinking about Ma a lot recently. I think she would like you. She would think you work too much though. I miss her. I miss calling her and reading her my essay's and her telling me what's wrong with them and how to fix them. Then she'd always get my riled up about politics. Haha. And she would start yelling at me to write letters to parliament. Ma you were fantastic. You taught me everything about how to be a person, and how to treat everybody with dignity and to hold myself with dignity. I could never thank you enough. You took me to all those crazy events, and you always burned things when we cooked. I'll never forget that night the three of us slept in your single bed. That could have been the worst idea ever. Your elbows in my butt! Or sitting in your bed reading for hours. The amount of books you had was absolutely amazing. And we'd eat lucky charms or chocolate kisses in your bed while reading. The next morning there was generally no snacks left. And I'd come into the kitchen and sit on your lap and you'd wrap me up in your blanket and we'd read the paper. I miss that. A lot. More than anyone could ever know. All these books in my room are yours. I'm afraid to read them. That touching them will somehow take away that last touch you laid upon them. Sort of like that tape. I'm afraid to listen to it. Because the last person to put it in that case was you. Actually, I'd love to find that cassette we had of Pa's band. I remember sitting in the living room listening to that song with the both of you, and him explaining that those female voices were hundred's of Ma's singing for him. It was hard to believe there were hundreds just like you. Mom didn't like how much time I spent with you, I think she thought you were brain washing me. It's doubtful. You were just trying to make me perfect. I'm glad I knew you. And I'm glad I still know you. But what I wouldn't give to dance around to your old records and build a fort and paint my nails the most horrendous colours ever and eat chinese doughnuts or sip hot chocolate and ice cream out by the fire in the mornings. Or going camping with you. Or painting with dandelions. Or cleaning the kitchen with Kayla, so that when you came home it was clean. I remember after going camping, all the equipment would just sit in your hallway for weeks, until we went camping again.
I really want to go camping. And after I told you about why I love camping the next morning you were buying a tent.
I'm not sure what I've done to deserve all of the amazing people that are in my life. But I wouldn't trade a single one of them. I love every person that has touched my life, or I theirs. If for one moment you ever doubt yourself, know that I hold every single one of you in the highest esteem. This wouldn't be what it is without you. I wouldn't be who I am without you.

I love you.

Champion

I definately just snuck upstairs at 1:30am to hijack the toaster so that I could toast my poptart. And since I had to do so quietly I did it in my room. Now my room smells like burnt toast. It was worth it.

Thanks for Sharing that Last Night

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking *shit* again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.

It's not a fun feeling

Knowing that I'm going to break your heart.

Coming to you from Travis

Apparently my mother notices that we don't spend much time together. I think that's a good thing though because we know we can still stay connected while having seperate lives and then it makes the time we do spend together even more amazing. At least that's my thought.
I wish I was as deep as everyone else but I'm just not full of moving thoughts apparently. The sooner I go to sleep the sooner tomorrow will arrive.
Gimmie that girl with her hair in a mess, sleepy warm smile with her head on my chest,
Jessica

Give Her A Reason To Stay

Give her a reason to laugh.

Tonight was fantastic. Tea was fantastic. Steeps may now be my favourite place to hang out. Also I love Elise for coming up afterwards and being like I stalked you on Facebook so that I could come say Hi and know who you are. Hahaha. I love her music. I hope they get their washing machine fixed. Also her song with TRANSIT was absolutely fantastic.

Check out TRANSIT.

http://transithiphop.com/

Sun Comes Up. Is an awesome song.

I want to live in a house with musicians one day. Just a house of creativity if you will. I love that. When you can just be surrounded by those people and sing whenever you want to, or can just dance whenever you need to. And you can run into the next room and play your roommate the new song you found. Part of me would rather live with Billy's friends instead of at Res. But if I get into Res then I might learn how to get along with people my age.

Yesterday was a great day. It was a very warm day. It was a very good smelling day too. Haha. I could tell you were starting to fall asleep cause your breath got deeper and your grip started loosening. Hahaha. Also I totally do play video games and I schooled you. HA! I'm going to choose to remember the third time. Third times a charm right? And it defiantly was. I hate that you have to leave. I know you do too which makes things easier. Somehow...

"I'm going to need to buy a smaller tent."

"Oh?"

"The one I have is a ten man tent."

"I see."

"We take up about as much room as one fat man."

"This is true."

Thursday was a good day too. And I defiantly fell asleep. My bad.

I think Tuesday morning would make a good nap time too. Or Thursday morning as a matter of fact. Or both.

I haven't ahd Opa! in so long. That was so scrumptious. Om nom nom.

It felt werid wearing a band tshirt. I just don't seem to wear them as much anymore. I think I dress a lot like Simon Cowell. Cowel? meh. Under shirt and a cardigan. And We basically share the same ideas on music. Haha. Maybe I am him. Dun dun dunnnn...

Anywho now that my brain is being dumb, maybe I'll finish watching Love Actually and try and sleep.

Tomorrow we are seeing POOLIE! GAH!!!!!

Remember to Breathe,

Jessica

It's The Saddest Part of My Day...

Leaving you.

We should have movie night. It would be fantastic.

Amazed.

So people always try and steal my phone. And right now I'm going to let you inside my phone. I like to save the happy text messages of the day and look back at them and smile. So I'm just going to type out my messages. You get to know nothing about the context or who they were from. You just get to know.

Yeah because you care. And that's why we love you.

No your group. Ew. They have no passion and aren't going anywhere unlike you. Haha.

I do what I can. :D

Well. Except for the song choice. But I try. And I'm only amazing cause of you. :)

Mission accomplished.

Haha Miss *** just had her chat with *** and ****

That was seriously amazing today. That instant everything just felt better. Just looking over to see it was you. It could have been the breaking point for tears. But it turned to laughter. Thank goodness. I really never want to leave those moments. I could just hang on forever.

When the whole world fits inside of your arms,

Jessica

Better.

Just listened to Better. (Sad song playlist ftw.) And was reminded of a few Friday's ago. You said you really loved this song. I'm starting to understand the context behind that now. I was cool with not seeing you today. But part of me misses you. I guess that's healthy right? Haha.

You're A Roller coaster Baby I Swear

I had a lot of fun during the day today. I was doing good. I felt purposeful and happy and all that junk. Now I just feel like a blob and am going to leave my YAA stuff till tomorrow morning. Sorry Kaiz. I'm tired. And I'm just kinda done with the day, because my brain is stressing out. You're amazing. I hope you know that.

This is Me Gushing Rainbows

If you chose not to read this. I completely forgive you. Haha.

We work well together. In the kitchen that is. That was a lovely moment when I was changing the song. Yes, I do listen to a wide variety of music. This should not be surprising. When you moved the chairs at the island, it was super cute. Not going to lie. And no this doesn't mean I'm going to force you to eat healthy. I like chicken mcnuggets as much as the next person. Probably more actually. Sitting on the couch listening to Noel Johnson was happy making too. But then you found where we were going and made me move. Hmph. So after our very failed mission, I made you decide what happened for the rest of the day. You asked if we needed to put the back cover on and I said no. You totally couldn't hide the smile on your face when I said that. Yes I know I'm awesome. You'll learn it too. Five songs from my Mp3 and five from your iPod. Everytime I made a new song choice we took a different road. I think that ATV trail was a bad choice considering we had to go backwards out of it. Our adventure took us to Fishcreek, where you won a lot of points. Especially when you finally admitted about last Tuesday. If you would have told me that, I would have skipped my meeting... I mean... No. I wouldn't have skipped any meeting. I seriously love just sitting at home. I know it doesn't seem that way. But I honestly do.

So on Thursday when you were having a bad day and I fell asleep on our conversation, I woke up to your text Oh God, you're right, I so needed that. Now everyone reading this has very strange thoughts about the context of that. Whoops. I generally wake up to his text messages. Oh man, he grabbed my phone the other day and was flipping through the messages and all 30 of them were from him.

English. Lunch. And after school. And then every moment inbetween.

Hahaha. Yes you are. Plus, you give way better hugs too.

That also made my week. You have no clue. Performing and seeing you out of the corner of my eye is the whole reason I probably was smiling like an idiot the whole thing. Vickie was so mad about the performance and how we had longer skirts on and no colour, and my response was This is how we rebel. That's right I rebel by being a cheerleader.

It's cold in my basement. I wish you were here, then it'd be warm.

Can I just never delete that? Please. Hahaha.

My mother is concerned about how I'm making cupcakes for a birthday party and she's like well isn't there already cake at a birthday? Hahaha. Also she never texted me at all yesterday, or asked where I was. Very interesting.

I think all my happiness is the reason I'm so exhausted. This week I've been crashing at 10 every day. It's kinda ridiculous. Anyways, I need to have a shower, make icing, do some work on English, then go to a party where everyone is going to be drunk except me, boyfriend and fake boyfriend and be the most awesome girlfriend ever (not going to lie I kinda am). Am I still allowed to call him my fake boyfriend? Haha. Oh god, what was with, it will be good for you, you'll meet new people. Those people used to be my friends all through out Jr. High.

Mom says I can't eat the jam with a spoon. Hmph. That was the best friggin jam ever! I love Connie's cooking. I'm so moving to Victoria.

OOO,

Jessica

Dear Friend,

I started reading Perks of Being a Wallflower. How is I've read three pages and already relate?

Things have been so good recently. I wish that if my happiness were a pie that I could cut it into pieces and share it with everyone else. That would be awesome. I try to think of it like this. With all of my happiness, I can take some sadness. So please dump your sadness on me. I can take it.

"I can take it if you need to take this out on someone."

I thought it was weird that you told her that. But I think its a good thing you did. Sometimes you want to tell people in hopes they understand. Even if they think that its random useless information it generally isn't to you and that's why you say it out loud.

It is the best part of my day. I don't have to worry about anything. I don't have to try to be anything. It's almost like our own little world if that makes sense. With the tunes blazing.

I never want to feel the way I did on Wednesday ever again. When we were listening to sad songs and all I could do was look out the window. And then you said I'm sorry. And I think I would have cried. I could have cried. And then you leaned forward and put your head in your hands. I wanted to cry. I could have cried. I'm never going to forget moments of that day. Ever. Like when you said that last thing and I got in the car. Like when we were sitting there and I could feel you hurting and you started running around kicking things. Let's not have a moment like that again. Deal. I'd rather remember watching the stars, laughing like an idiot.

I'm sad that she won't like him back. That makes me really sad. I wish things were going well for everyone. That'd be awesome.

Also the fact that I'm invited because of him is awkward. Not going to lie. Also does this mean I have to find a gift?

Also it makes me nervous the way you look at me before you play a song. It's like a, listen to this song cause it makes me think of you look. Is that what the look is? Cause I'm unsure... Haha.

Yes! It's refreshing.

Jessica

Too Happy it Hurts.

up here in your tower, how unstoppably fine. how understandably just like you imagined it. even the sun shines like on tv. what gives this elasticity its credit? the same binding hopes of not needing anything more. our trust in this is the hope we have in ourselves.

i don't know why i can't describe what i feel when i'm positive it's real. the only sense i seem to be certain of is my sudden lack of articulation. the way innocent and uninformed european children bounce a ball on a cobblestone driveway is the same way i explain my most convicting intentions.

it hasn't been cold at night in a really long time. the mornings haven't been that bad now that i think of it. didn't know you could watch the sun rise with east facing windows. makes you forget which end is up sometimes.

i'll navigate just fine. if i can see your light. you shine so bright.

True story.

Time Stopping

I'm sorry some of you think this is weird or awkward but I don't really care. Honestly. I'm going to do what makes me happy. And spending time with him definitely does that. So if he comes to eat lunch with us, please behave yourselves. I realize this was not an easy choice because of all the negative nelly's out there. But I really hope this works.

I'm sorry I'm not all let's dive into this. That's not who I am. New Year's Eve jokes aside, that really isn't who I am. Part of me wants to be that person. Trust me. Part of me never wants to let go, but eventually time starts again.

I could've watched the whole movie like that. I should have.

Those little girls beside us, out at the movie with their Dad made me happy. I barely go anywhere with my dad or spend time with him. It kind of really makes me sad. And I know that when I leave I'll call the house to talk to my mom, and not necessarily him. Maybe I'll go to the hockey game with the fam jam and actually sit with them at the game this time. Although those seats were pretty rad. Amy you must admit this. Lanny that close is kinda rad.

I really want to tell everyone. Really. But I just think they don't need to know as soon as we decide. But at the same time I know that that is the person you are, so I'm going to be okay with it.

"I like that you were in the car for maybe 5 minutes and already your stuff is organized into his stuff."

That's basically how it is.

I'm not going to let this come between all the things I want to do. I still want to volunteer at spoken word fest and I want to interview two people now. I will send out messages later for that. I am so stoked for Faber and for Hedley. I'm even more stoked for Jessica/Amy bonding day. Oh man!!! The Dudes are playing The Gateway on my BIRTHDAY! That would be so fricking awesome!!!! GAH!!! I needs to find someone else to come with me!!! AHHH!!!

I also feel bad now cause I'm in this happy place but some of my friends aren't. Actually things seem to be crashing pretty hard for them. And I am going to figure out how to balance all of this. Promise.

We better friggin go on a road trip this summer!!! That would be soooooo much fun!!!!

I'm really going to need to start planning this summer soon. Cause June is getting very full. Except I have no clue what the dates are for ANYTHING!

Walls- ATL

Love,

Jessica

Twitterpated

I cannot wait for our conversation today. Why did you have to bring that up? Couldn't you have told me in the morning you wanted to talk?

Anyways my alarm is going to go off in 3 and a half hours and I haven't finished the other half of my english homework.

What's going to make me change the outlook I have on you? Please tell me. Cause I'm dying to hear this. I really truly am.

You're not getting out of this one.

Jessica

Unrelated Relatedness

We both act differently around each other when our friends are there. I really loved the white mocha Thursday morning, and then you ran off to class. So I left like a second after you and chased you down the hallway. You seemed very happy surprised that I followed you. I had just wanted to make sure I got the morning hug I was promised.

Please don't worry. Things aren't as bad as they sound.

Jessica

Just let me dust off the seat

I know no one wants to hear this, but just think of somebody else. That isn't him. Then you'll feel less awkward. Cause I really need to get this all out.

You cleaned the car. And yes that was the first thing I noticed, besides you waiting for me outside the door while Menu barked at me. Apparently sushi is closed from 2 - 5. Insert a trip to Spoon Me, cool place, not good ice cream or frozen yogurt. It was kinda lame. Insert a trip to Hot Wax. What was with holding onto me to make sure I didn't fall up the stairs? Then we went to The House. Again on you. (UGH!) We played Connect 4. I won the first time and let you win the last two times. Then we hit the streets for a short walk to kill some time. Apparently we didn't kill enough time so we just sat in the car lying back in our seats talking and listening to music.

"You text me so often I can imitate how you sound on text."

So finally its 5 and we can have sushi. I think you felt out of place, but that's what I do, I take people out of their boxes.

We drove around a bit, stopping at 7-Eleven and then driving out to Bragg Creek and then out to Black Diamond.

"I like where we are, when we drive in your car."

We stopped at the big rock out in Okotoks. It was slippery getting out there. I like how you keep trying to do things for me and I just have the unimpressed face. Like holding down the rope for me so that I could cross over it or the whole ok don't slip there and if you do I'm here and I'll catch you. Haha. I think a few of you might have just puked in your mouth.

"So I just thought you'd like to know that I've been referred to as the girl who hangs out with *insert name here*."

"Hahahaha... I like it."

Then we took a rest on the hood of the car, looking up at the stairs but mostly the clouds. You promised we'd do it again when it gets warmer outside and the car doesn't have a roof so that we could stay "inside". You started talking about your grandparents and how they even have expectations for you and how they want you to bring a girl to the cabin in the summer. You talked about the cabin a lot, and how we should go. Then you said what everyone's been thinking, "My grandmother would disapprove of you but in a good way, because she'd say you're too good for me."

You told your mother that we were going out today and she asked if anyone else was coming. You said someone else was but I don't think she believed you. And apparently our parents are having the same thought pattern because the parting words your mother said to you was to remember to be SAFE. I didn't tell you my parents have been acting the same way. Maybe I should have.

We drove back to town and listened to the country station. It's weird hanging out with you and not listening to country. We made a stop at the park, and there was more you're going to slip holding. I took the slide down and you were sitting at the bottom waiting. Haha. I think we're almost too cheesy to handle and we're "just friends". And as comfortable as it was, I was shivering so we left.

You walked me to the door. You never do that. You were a lot more open about your family tonight too. But seriously, you thanked me for the great day, when really I think its the other way around. And what was with the mumbling and then pretending like you didn't say anything. I heard the last one. I just let you get away with letting it slide. I kind of didn't want to let go, which I'm pretty sure you noticed. Haha.

Also today was like two work shifts. That's not cool. And birthday presents are not a reason for it to be okay.

Kind of like a bucket list for the characteristics you should have. Hmmm... Being able to care for and pay for her.

"I've got a new message can you read it?"

I've mastered the car. I now even lock the door behind me. I'm kind of awesome like that. It makes me laugh that I just kind of make myself at home in the car. It makes me laugh even harder that you don't mind and smile at the fact that I just organize my stuff into your stuff in the car. Just about forgot Josie in there tonight. That would have been bad.

Anyways...

Intertubes please keep my secrets secret.

She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything i want to say to a woman
But couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time i try and tell her how i feel
It comes out "I love you"

Looking forward to Wednesday,

Jessica